Whoa, who goes there?
Oh, it's you, Shortman.
Hi, Grandpa.
Uh, you're in uniform.
What's the occasion?
Don't you read
the papers?
It's almost Pig War Day!
What's Pig War Day?
Only the infamous day
when our fair city
won its independence
from those
treacherous Redcoats.
Who were the Redcoats?
The British!
Uh, of course,
the British.
Who were the British?
What do they teach
you kids in school
nowadays?
Don't you realize
that we fought
and won this land
in a battle over
a pig?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
It was more than
a century ago
when all this neighborhood
was field and wood.
The British claimed
all the land to
the north of the river,
the Americans all
the land to the south.
But no one could
quite decide
who was the owner
of Elk Island.
The place with
the haunted caves?
Yes. Don't interrupt.
Now each side
built their own fort
on each end
of the island.
The Brits had Fort Porcero,
and we had some tents.
Then one day,
a British pig
got out of his pen
and wandered into
an American garden.
A farmer shot the pig.
And when the British
found out, they sent
out for some troops.
And then the Americans
sent for reinforcements.
And then the British
sent for a gunship.
And the next thing you know,
we had ourselves a Pig War.
Cool!
What happened?
We won, you ninnies!
And therefore, Elk Island
and all the land
to the north of it
is now the United States.
ALL: Wow!
It's great to be
an American, ain't it?
Now that I told you
my heartwarming
patriotic story,
you'll be glad to hear
how I signed you all up
to represent
the American team
when we reenact
the Pig War
next Saturday.
ALL: Wow!
Really?
You mean it?
You bet! We'll dress up
in crazy outfits
and run around
in the woods,
two teams chasing
a greased pig.
First one to
catch the pig
and bring it back to
their fort is the winner!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow, Grandpa,
how'd you get us
on the American team?
Well, it's a very long
story, Arnold,
but the short version is,
I went down to City Hall
and volunteered
Abner to be
the official Pig War pig.
Abner? Our Abner?
(SQUEALS)
But Grandpa...
Yeah, now the only thing
that'll happen to Abner
is he'll get
a little greased.
And a little grease
is good for a young pig.
Besides, you can't let
all your friends down.
We're countin'
on you, boy!
STINKY: Come on,
Arnold, please!
HELGA: Just do it!
Can we, Arnold?
GRANDPA: Say yes, Arnold.
Abner wants you to.
Well, okay.
He said yes!
We're all gonna be
in a Pig War!
(ALL CHEERING)
Ow!
Elk Island.
Watch your step
as ye disembark.
There be cow pies.
And beware the Redcoats!
They may be hiding
hereabouts.
Do you think
he's right about
the Redcoats, Grandpa?
Oh, stop worrying,
Arnold.
The Redcoats are
nowhere near these parts.
You're late.
As usual.
Why, it's my arch nemesis,
Rex Smythe-Higgins.
And his grandson,
Rex III.
And I believe
by the rules in
the Pig War Charter,
that gives us the right
to first insult.
Your costumes
are atrocious.
And your so-called pig
looks malnourished.
What do you feed
the little runt?
Hey!
Hey, easy, man.
This is the customary
exchange of insults.
However, that was
two insults.
According to the Charter,
that means we get
two insults as well.
You walk like
you got an umbrella
in your pants.
Was that an insult?
Oi, sir, on this
continent, yes, sir.
Hmm, very well.
That's one.
And you couldn't
catch this pig
if your life
depended on it,
you broken down
old fossil!
So that's two.
But rest assured,
I intend to catch
that pig.
Yeah, well we'll just
see about that.
Eight bells,
time to grease the pig.
Okay, Abner,
remember our plan?
Just stick close to me,
and we'll be fine.
(BLOWS HORN)
(SQUEALS)
ARNOLD: Abner, wait!
What about the plan?
Huzzah!
Let the Pig War begin!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Oh, curses.
You there, minion,
cut short this
foul hemlock
which hath so
offended me!
Sorry, Governor,
I don't understand you
when you talk
all fancy like that.
Chop down
the bloody tree,
you idiot!
(SQUEALS)
(GRUNTING)
(SQUEALS)
Abner!
Looking for something?
Well, I'm pleased to
inform you that
the pig has been captured.
BOTH: Captured?
Yes, and taken
to Fort Porcero.
The fight is over.
We won.
And precisely at sundown,
we will roast
and eat our spoils,
namely, your pig.
(LAUGHS)
What do you mean,
roast the pig?
Read the Charter, Yankee.
Ahem. Chapter 13.
"The party of the third part,
upon capturing
the enemy pig
"may therefore roast
and/or barbecue!
No!
Just a darn minute,
Smythe-Higgins,
you can't do that!
Well, of course
that's rubbish.
The pig remains
in our possession
until sundown,
when it is destined
to become roast
pork sandwiches.
Good day!
Ahhh!
(CRASHING)
SMYTHE-HIGGINS:
Oh, blast it,
my back's gone out.
All right, all right,
I can make a mistake
once in a while,
can't I?
We'll save your pig,
Arnold. We just need to
sneak into the fort
and recapture Abner
before sundown.
Now that doesn't
sound so hard,
does it?
Yeah, come on, Arnold.
We'll get Abner.
Now come on, Shortman,
we gotta strategize.
There she is, boys.
The Redcoat stronghold.
Fort Porcero.
Willikers.
I wanna go
talk to them.
Maybe they'll listen.
Arnold! Wait!
Oh, poor, brave,
foolish boy.
If ever the...
Oh, well,
maybe it'll work.
Abner! You there, boy?
Halt! Who goes there?
It's Arnold.
I've come for the pig.
Well, this is a war.
I don't intend to
just give it to you,
you odd-headed
little Yankee.
I'm serious, Rex!
Give me the pig!
What I'll give you
is a volley of
rotten pomegranates
and old cabbages.
Now,
you may fire when ready.
(GASPS)
Okay, no more
Mr. Nice Guy.
This calls for a little
Yankee ingenuity.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
Everybody listen up.
(SAWING)
(HAMMERING)
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
(SHUFFLING)
(SAWING)
As soon as they
open the gate,
we jump out
and attack 'em. Okay?
This is brilliant, Napoleon.
Listen, it worked
for the Trojans
'cause they knew
the enemy was really vain
and easily flattered.
It worked
for the Trojans
because they knew
when to keep quiet.
Why in blazes
did you wake me?
They seem to be
surrendering,
Grandfather.
They brought a gift.
Look!
Hmm. Some kind of pig.
Clever that. Halt,
who goes there?
Eh, who do you think,
prune face?
It's the Americans!
Well, what do you want?
We realized that we
can't possibly win,
and offer this gift
as a token of our esteem
to your vast superiority!
Oh, this is indeed sweet.
Savor this, Rex.
The moment when
your enemy comes
to grovel.
Open the gate!
Ah, Sir, there is
a historical
precedent to this
that I think
we should consider!
Your job is
not to consider,
your job is to blow
the hunting horn.
Is that clear?
Open the gate.
Right, sir.
Ready?
ALL: Charge!
Come on!
(SCREAMING)
Abner!
(SQUEALS)
Hang on,
I'm coming, boy!
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the one
they call football head.
Oh, this is delicious.
But not as delicious
as that pig will be
once we roast it.
Rex, this isn't funny.
I'm serious,
I'm not gonna
let you eat my pet.
Your pet?
Yeah, Abner's my pet.
What did you think?
Oh, dear, your pet?
Like my Scottish terrier,
Peppy?
We were going
to eat him?
Oh, how beastly.
No! You've got
to save him!
(SQUEALS)
(GRUNTS)
(ALL CHEERING)
But Grandfather,
it was his pet.
What on earth
difference does that make?
You eat pork chops,
don't you?
Yes, but not ones
that I know personally.
See, Arnold,
I told ya.
We beat the Redcoats
with our native
pluck and ingenuity,
and got Abner back
safe and sound.
Right. Just never mention
Pig Wars to me
ever again, okay?
Listen, I'll make it
up to you.
I'll play the pig
next year.
How's that sound?
No thanks, Grandpa.
And you can
chase me around.
It'll be fun!
Grandpa...
What do you say,
Abner, sounds good?
(GRUNTS)
Abner!
GRANDPA:
He's agreeing with me.
ARNOLD:
Don't even think
about it, Abner.
GRANDPA:
No, no, no.
You can catch me.
I won't even grease
myself up too much.
ARNOLD: Grandpa...
Don't go there!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEALS)
Abner!
Wait, wait.
Abner, no.
Pig Wars are bad.
No! Not as long
as I'm the pig.
I'm the pig!
No, you're not
gonna be the pig.
It's gonna take
a little more
grease, though.
Just don't cook me
and eat me!
(CHUCKLES)