(CHILDREN PLAYING)
(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, Arnie.
Coach Wittenberg?
You know I saw you
swimming there with
your friends
situationally speaking.
You guys look like
you know what
you're doing
out there in the water,
and, uh...
Uh, excuse us.
Arnold, every time we talk
to that guy, he wants us
to join some crazy team.
Gerald, relax, I am
not going to volunteer us
to be on some crazy team.
Boys, I want you
to join this crazy team
of mine.
Have any of you
ever did much
synchronastic swimming?
Oh, you mean synchronized
swimming.
Oh, it's a wonderful,
creative water sport
in which a team of four
or more synchronize
or match their movements
to the mood
and rhythm of the music.
Hmm, sounds harder
than I thought.
Irregardless, I agree
to organize a synchratic
swimming team
to compete in the upcoming
citywide tournament.
And furthermore,
since you boys have been
a colossic team
for me to coach
in the past.
No ballet dancing
in the water for me.
Me neither.
Count me out.
It's a dumb, stupid idea.
Actually I can't wait
for the first practice.
Ow.
Come on, you guys,
it's just one swim meet.
No.
Please, please, guys,
don't run out on me.
I'm at the end of my rope,
this is the last coaching job
in the city.
If I screw this up,
I may never coach again.
Come on, guys,
will you help me,
please, please, please?
All right, look, you guys,
I'm climbing the high dive
and I don't know
how to swim.
I'm jumping, I'm jumping,
on three.
I think he's really
gonna jump, you guys.
One, two...
Oh, man.
It looks scary from here.
It won't be that bad,
remember when we were
on his basketball team?
We had a pretty good time.
It's only for one swim meet,
how bad can it be?
And here goes.
Wait, Coach,
don't jump.
HAROLD: We'll join
your stupid team.
You will?
That's great, boys,
I'm very thankful
and appreciative
of your dedication
to our swim team.
First practice
is Monday after school.
I want everybody
on time
and shave your legs.
Bye, Coach.
Heh, whoa, I was pretty
nervous there, Arnie,
you know,
I didn't think that
whole I-can't-swim
I'm-gonna-jump thing
was gonna work.
WOMAN: So...
You had to stoop to
the I-can't-swim
I'm-gonna-jump trick
to get a syncopated
swimming team together,
huh, Coach?
It worked, didn't it?
Oh, you stooped before
but you hit
the penultimate low
this time, Jack.
You were gonna coach
a sympathetic swimming
team?
Darn right, I am,
Tish.
And we're gonna be
A letter one winners
at the tournament
next weekend.
In your dreams.
Let me tell you
a well-kept popular fact.
Water ballet's not
a real sport, Jack,
it's an artsy-fartsy
beauty contest.
You gotta be sensitive
and emotional
and all that garbage
to render it correctly.
I represent
all you're saying.
I know you, Coach,
you are not in touch
with your soft,
artistical interior,
thought pattern.
I'll show you, Tish.
I'm gonna succeed beyond
my unwieldiest dreams.
Sure you will, Coach,
water ballet.
Hah!
See you at dinner.
Never get married.
The basic premises
of the sport
are foremostly, um...
Grace, rhythm
and acrobatic skills.
Now I half-heartily believe
we repossess the skills
to consummate
a winning status.
Here in, two, four,
six, eight, let's get
in the pool.
Uh, I don't know, Coach.
That kind of swimming
looks like sissy stuff.
I don't get why making
a flower shape with
your legs is fun.
It's all an exciting
challenge, don't
you understand?
I say it's sissy
and that's all
there is to it.
Enough of this sissy talk,
let's hit the pool.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Now firstly let's get
on our backs
and see if we can float.
Stinky, on your back,
that's your front.
Now, lift one leg
in the air.
Good. Now, everybody,
backstroke.
And try not to
run in to each other.
(ALL KNOCKING)
Perfect.
(INAUDIBLE)
(HOSE SPRAYING)
Boys, we are making
large steps of
progressive movement
in practicing the sport
of circumcised swimming
And now we're ready
to adapt the synchronistic
movements to music.
Um, have you got
any ideas for music?
I do.
A five, six, seven, eight,
high kicks.
Jump.
Now just pretend
you're in the water.
No, bootleg, bootleg,
go wide, no, no.
Be dainty, dainty,
tip...
(GRUNTS)
Dance better.
Willikers, I reckon
this is as embarrassing
as it gets.
The only way it could
get worse is if someone
we knew saw us.
Ah, this is my lucky day.
(LAUGHS)
This is so totally excellent.
Hey, losers, hah.
Hey, I got your whole
little sissy dance on tape.
You, get out of here now!
Presently and immediately.
Oh, yeah, wait till
the g*ng gets a load
of this.
(LAUGHS)
That's it, Coach.
This whole thing is over.
We hate this music.
We don't know what
this synchronized swimming
thing's about.
And frankly, we don't think
you know what you're doing.
And I'm tired of being called
a fruit cup and a sissy bone
fat boy.
Uh, Harold,
no one's called you that.
I know, but they'll think
of it and call me it,
you just wait.
Boys, get back here
and dance.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ow.
Who was I kidding?
Tish was right,
I can't be emotional
and sensitive
and all that jazz.
I don't have
a sensitive bone
in my set body
and if I can't be sensitive,
how can I inspire my team
to be sensitive?
Everyone has some
sensitivity.
Everyone except me,
Arnie.
I think I'll just give up
and try to get my
lousy toilet cleaning job back
at the lousy
bowling alley.
You can't give up,
you've gotta find
your sensitive side
and inspire
the team.
I can't, Arnie.
Haven't you ever felt
sensitive or emotional
about anything?
No.
Come on, Coach.
There has to
be something.
Hasn't anything ever
touched you
or made you cry?
Hmm, let me see.
You know, this is hard.
Well...
There was this drive-in
movie I saw
when I was a kid.
I was in the back seat
With my little brother.
It was about a little
red-headed boy
and his horse.
Wayne, he loved that horse
and when that man
rode away on that horse.
That little boy
ran after them
shouting, "Wayne,"
"Wayne, Wayne, come back,
Wayne."
I mean, I cried.
I cried and I cried,
and I cried when
my little brother was
bawling like a baby.
I mean we cried
together and said,
"Wayne, come back,
Wayne."
I-I loved that movie
and whenever I hear
this music,
I think of that little boy
and his horse riding away
and...
(SOBS) That story
is breaking my heart.
I know...
That part with the boy
and the horse,
and then they ride away.
Oh, Wayne.
This is the music, boys,
and thanks to Arnie here,
I re-found it
on the dot of time.
This music has boldness
and adventureness
and it also can inspire us
to swim with sensitivitiness
and emotionalism,
that is if you're willing
to preconsider
and re-enjoin the team.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, yeah, all right, guys,
let's do it.
We have two days.
Let's get training.
Let's get in the pool.
Okay, boys,
you remember our routine?
I, I hope I remember
most of it.
I will, on account of
I wrote the order of
all our moves on my arm.
Uh, Stinky,
the water's gonna
wash that off.
Oh, gee.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, please.
From Peavine Academy,
our first team will perform
to the music of Swan Lake.
(SWAN LAKE PLAYING)
Hey, those girl
swans are really good.
Ooh!
Watch it,
you little fruit cup.
You sissy boned fat boy.
See? I told you
someone would call me that.
You're gonna lose
to a bunch of girls.
(LAUGHS)
And now from Whitaker
Pet Country Club,
a selection from
Pachelbel's Canon.
(PACHELBEL'S CANON PLAYING)
(ALL CLAPPING)
Okay, boys,
we're up.
Now go out there and swim
like you've never synchronized
swum before.
Remember, I'm proud
of all of you.
Tish.
And now City Pool's
own synchronized swimming
team coached by
Coach Wittenberg
with their interpretation
of the classic Western drama
Come Back, Wayne.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Nyeh.
(ALL CLAPPING)
Steady, Eugene.
This is your dive.
Whoa, oh! D'oh, (SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP)
(ALL CHEERING)
(TEAM CHEERING)
ALL: Wayne, Wayne,
come back, Wayne.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes, yes, yes,
we did it.
Whoa.
The unanimous winners
are...
Team Wittenberg.
We haven't done this
in a while, Jack.
Well, now that I've coached
another winning team,
I'm back in the saddle, Tish.
Jack, I never knew
you were so sensitive.
Well, you learn something
new every day, Tish.
Hey, what do you say
we implore the mysteries
of the deep?
Aw, Jack.
Tish.