[The scene opens with the camera on the school's auditorium, and then, switches to zooming into the school. Arnold holding a green jelly-like textured snack.]
Helga: Why don't you take a picture, Arnold-o, it'll last longer.
Arnold: I was just trying to figure out what this green stuff is.
Helga: Who cares what it is? It's green, it's in a dish. If you're gonna eat it, put it on your tray. If you're not gonna eat it, move along.
Arnold: You know, Helga, I don't know why you always have to act so mean.
Helga: Huh?
Arnold: You think you're so bad, but deep down, I don't think you are. In fact, I have a feeling you're probably a nice, normal sensitive person. And maybe, one day, you won't be so afraid to show it.
Helga:(Blinks) What do you know, football head? I am bad! See, I am as bad as they come! I’m bad to the bone, buck-o, and don't you forget it.
Arnold: Okay, Helga, whatever you say.
Helga:(Scoffs) Arnold, what a boob. What an annoying little smarty-pants know-it-all. How I despise him. And yet... (rushes to hide behind a wheel of dirty dishes)
Helga: I love him. His noble curiosity, his cool keen powers of observation. His unfaltering sense of right and wrong. Oh, if only I could find strength to tell him how much I adore him. If only there was some way I could let him know. Some way I could whisper my secret adoring thoughts, soothe his fevered brow. Dare I even think it? Kiss the lips that haunt my girlish dreams. Oh, if only. If only.
Helga: N-Nothing! I just dropped a quarter, that's all.
Phoebe: A quarter?
Helga: Yeah, that's right. A quarter. Now, go get me a milk, and step on it, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hurrying.
Helga: Make it chocolate, with a bendy straw! Phew.
-
[There is an indistinct chatter in the classroom.]
Mr. Simmons: Quiet. I have an exciting and very special announcement. I have been assigned to direct P.S. 118's annual school play. And I've chosen one of the theater's great works for you all to perform, William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet! Isn't that just thrilling?
(Crickets.)
Mr. Simmons:(Clears throat) Lights.
(Gerald closes the light and the projector plays.)
Mr. Simmons: The play is a tragic and beautiful story of two star-crossed teenagers in love. Although their families were sworn enemies, when Romeo and Juliet's eyes met across a crowded room, they both fell head over heels in love. Their parents and friends wanted to keep them apart, but they vowed to be together, no matter what. Yes, Stinky?
Stinky: That sounds like a mushy old love story. Why can't we do a play with some fighting in it?
Mr. Simmons: Well, Stinky, although, technically Romeo and Juliet is a love story, there's plenty of action in the plot. And, in fact, two of the characters, Romeo and Tybalt, become embroiled in an exciting sword fight.
Mr. Simmons: Maybe you can, Harold, auditions will be this afternoon in the auditorium. And you're all welcome to come and try out.
(As the bell rings, the class went to sign the form for the auditions.)
Helga: Ha! Fourth graders doing Romeo and Juliet. What a dopey idea. Well, I can tell you one thing, there's no way Helga G. Pataki is gonna be in any dumb Shakespeare play.
-
[Inside the auditorium, the audition starts.]
Stinky:(Reading the script) "Now, when the bridegroom, in the morning, comes to rouse thee from thy bed, there art thou, dead.”
Mr. Simmons: That was wonderful, Stinky. You'll make a very special Friar Laurence.
Stinky: Do I get to stab some fellars?
Mr. Simmons: Uh, well, not exactly, Stinky. Friar Laurence is a kind and wise man of the cloth.
Stinky: Oh, gee.
(Curly and Harold reenacts the sword fight between Mercutio and Tybalt.)
Curly: "Good King of Cats, nothing but one of your nine lives, I mean to make bold withal. Will you pluck your sword out of its pilcher by the ears?"
Harold: “I am for you!”
Eugene: “Tybalt, Mercutio, the prince hath expressly forbid the bandying in Verona streets.”
(Harold "stabs" Curly, who dramatically falls down in defeat.)
Mr. Simmons: Wonderful, Curly! You'll make a terrific Mercutio. And, Harold, you have a very special relationship with the character Tybalt. And I think we may have found our Romeo in Eugene.
Mr. Simmons: You're perfect for the part. Romeo, the brave, brooding romantic youth, who risks it all for love. Romeo, who shares a kiss with Juliet in the last...
Harold: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying whoever has to be Romeo has to kiss a girl?
Mr. Simmons: Yes, Harold, it's one of the more beautiful and special moments in the play.
(Curly and Harold laughs.)
Stinky: Kiss a girl? That really bites.
Eugene: Uh, I really would prefer not to have to kiss a girl.
Mr. Simmons: But, we need a Romeo. He's a very important part of the play.
Curly: That's too disgusting, even for me.
Eugene: Well, I'm not doing it.
(The boys start leaving.)
Mr. Simmons: Someone has to play Romeo. You can't have Romeo and Juliet without a Romeo.
(Indistinct chatter; they continue to walk from the auditorium.)
Mr. Simmons: No, Romeo is a wonderful part. The kissing is just one small scene. Boys, wait. Come back. You get to kill Tybalt with a sword.
Mr. Leichliter: Indeed, it is I. And it appears I am the only member of your audience left in the house. (Snickers.) If this production is even half as bad as the Long Day's Journey Into Night, that your third grade class fumbled through last year, then I shall enjoy describing its every pathetic flaw and fault in my review in the bi-weekly Bugle.
Mr. Simmons: I promise you, Leichliter. These very special children, under my direction, will put on a Romeo and Juliet that will move you and the entire audience to tears.
Mr. Leichliter:(Laughs) Yes, tears from their hysterical laughter. Methinks, you pretend too much, Simmons.
Mr. Simmons: Well, methinks, I shall prove you wrong.
Mr. Leichliter: If the speeches from your young cherubs' lips doth not sing, there will be no force that will remove the sting which, from my nimble fingers, my scathing review will wing. (Snickers) It even rhymes.
(Mr. Leichliter left, leaving Mr. Simmons alone in the auditorium.)
Mr. Simmons: You'll see.
-
[In the hallway, Lila, Phoebe, Sheena, and Rhonda reads out the call backs for Juliet.]
Phoebe: The following girls have been chosen for callback auditions for the role of Juliet. Lila, Sheena, Phoebe. That's me.
Sheena: Oh, look, Rhonda, you got a callback, too.
Rhonda: Naturally, Sheena. Well, I guess we'll find out this afternoon who's going to play Juliet. And, I want you girls to know beforehand, that I really do wish you all the luck in the world.
Sheena: And, I just heard Arnold is going to play Romeo.
Rhonda: It's not a bad choice. I mean, if Juliet has to kiss Romeo, it could be worse.
Phoebe: Yeah, it could. Yeah.
Lila: He's sweet.
Sheena: I really like him.
(The girls left, not knowing Helga is in one of the stalls.)
Helga: Arnold is playing Romeo. And Romeo and Juliet actually kiss on stage? Then, that means, maybe I... Yes. Yes. This is it! The play. The play's the thing! The way for me to finally tell Arnold how I feel about him. What could be more perfect than this? To confess the love that dare not pass these lips, conceive them to my love's, in one sweet, tender kiss. And the best part is there is no risk, because it won't be me doing it, it will be me as Juliet. They'll all think it's just acting. (Laughs) What a great plan.
-
[Back in the auditorium, the girls read the script for the callback auditions.]
Lila: “O, Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”
Phoebe: “Deny thy father, refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not…”
Sheena: “What's in a name? That which we call rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.”
Rhonda: “Romeo, doff thy name, and for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself.”
Mr. Simmons: Oh, that was terrific. Rhonda... All, all of you were very good. Thank you. Well, now that I've seen all the Juliets...
(The door opens and Helga enters the room.)
Helga:(Panting) I'm here for the Juliet callbacks.
Mr. Simmons: Oh, um, Helga, I didn't see you at the first auditions.
Helga: I had a dentist appointment. Where do you want me?
Mr. Simmons: Helga, the truth is I've already made my decision. I'd like to have all of you play Juliet, but I can only choose one girl. Rhonda, you will be our Juliet. Sheena, I'm awarding you the honor of first understudy. Phoebe, you'll be the second. And, Lila, you'll be the third understudy.
Helga: Where does that leave me?
Mr. Simmons: Well, Helga, I appreciate the sudden interest and enthusiasm. So, I'm awarding you the position of fourth understudy for the part of Juliet.
Helga: What's that in English?
Mr. Simmons: That means that in the unlikely event that Rhonda, Sheena, Phoebe, and Lila, are all for whatever reason, unable to perform the part, then you will play Juliet.
Helga: So, what you're saying is, if they all drop out then I'm Juliet.
Mr. Simmons: That's right. But, I should caution you that the odds of all four girls dropping out of the play are pretty unlikely. I don't want you to get your hopes up.
Helga: Oh, I understand, Mr. Simmons. I'll play Juliet, all right. All I gotta do is knock off Rhonda, Sheena, Phoebe and Lila. And, when the curtain rises, only a fortnight from now, I'll be Juliet to Arnold's Romeo, when we take our final bow. (Laughs maniacally, then coughs, and continues laughing)
-
[The camera zooms into the Sunset Arms boarding house.]
Grandpa Phil: Romeo and Juliet, huh? And you're playing Romeo? (Chuckles) You got your work cut out for you, Shortman.
Grandpa Phil: That's a polite word for what you are.
-
[Helga walks to Mr. Simmons as the rest of class prepares the stage for the school play.]
Helga: Mr. Simmons, I'd like to volunteer to be the head costumer for the show. Mr. Simmons: Oh, really? Well, that's wonderful, Helga. So giving and thoughtful of you.
Helga: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'll get started on Juliet's costume tonight.
Mr. Simmons: I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job.
(Harold screams as he was pulled by a rope.)
Mr. Simmons: Harold!
Harold: Help!
(Helga slowly walks away, snickers and look menacingly.)
-
[The camera zooms into Helga’s house.]
(Helga laughs maniacally while the sewing motor whirs.)
-
[In Rhonda’s house]
Rhonda: No, no, no, no, no. There is no way I'm wearing that—that pathetic excuse for a frock, in front of people.
Helga:(Show a hideous dress) But, this is Juliet's costume. If you're gonna play Juliet, you have to wear it.
Rhonda: That's where you're wrong, Helga. I'm just going to have to tell Mr. Simmons that Juliet's costume has to be entirely redesigned from scratch.
Helga: Oh... Gee, Rhonda, Mr. Simmons designed this dress himself. If you told him you don't like it, it would just crush him.
Rhonda: Well, I simply cannot wear that dress in public. It's hideous.
Helga: Then, I guess, you'll just have to tell Mr. Simmons that you hate the dress that he loves and slaved over for weeks. Either that, or… Well, gee...
Rhonda: What, Helga?
Helga: Drop out of the play. (Smiles awkwardly)
-
[Arnold’s bedroom in Sunset Arms boarding house.]
Mr. Hyunh: When I was a boy, I was also in the school play of Romeo and Juliet.
Arnold: Did you play Romeo?
Mr. Hyunh: No. No. He has to kiss a girl. It is too yucky.
(Arnold frowns)
Mr. Hyunh: Now, I believe you should be Romeo, and I will be Juliet.
Arnold: Okay.
Mr. Hyunh: You start.
Arnold: “Farewell. I will omit no opportunity that may convey my greetings, love to thee.”
Mr. Hyunh:(In a high-pitched voice) “O, think'st… Thou we shall ever meet again?”
Arnold: Uh... “I doubt it not. And all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses in our times to come.”
Mr. Hyunh: “O God, I have an ill-divining soul.”
-
[In the auditorium]
Rhonda: So, anyway, I'm really sorry Mr. Simmons. But, I'm going to have to back out of playing Juliet, uh, on… On religious grounds.
Mr. Simmons: Oh, all right, Rhonda, I'm sorry to hear that. But, if you're sure…
(Rhonda looks behind Mr. Simmons, and Helga shows the dress.)
Rhonda: I'm sure.
(Rhonda leaves)
Mr. Simmons: Sheena, could I see you for a moment?
-
[In the dressing room]
Sheena: I can't believe I'm actually gonna play Juliet.
Helga: Yeah. (To Eugene) Take a powder, honey.
(Eugene leaves)
Sheena: Juliet is a great part, don't you think?
Helga: Well, that's what I hear. I haven't actually gotten through the whole play yet. Well, let me tell you, it's a humdinger. Especially all the violent parts.
Sheena: Violent parts?
Helga: Are you kidding? Romeo and Juliet is loaded with violence. Real blood and gut stuff, sword fights, rotting corpses.
Sheena: I've always been against violence. Just the sight of blood makes me queasy.
Helga: You're kidding? Well, you know about the end, right? She's in a crypt. You know, a mausoleum, full of dead rotting corpses and bats. And then, she takes this big, sharp, rusty dagger, and she holds it up, high over her head. And then...
(Pretends to stab herself and falls to the floor)
Helga: Oh, it's great. Real bloody, violent stuff.
Sheena: Um, you know, Helga, I'm not sure I'm the right girl for Juliet.
Helga: Gee, Sheena, really?
Sheena: I'll tell Mr. Simmons tomorrow. Phoebe can play the part. I really wanted to be the head costumer, anyway.
Helga: Perfect. You can start with this. (Gives her the dress) It needs a lot of work.
-
[At Phoebe’s house]
Phoebe: Thanks for coming over to help me with my lines, Helga. I still can't believe I'm going to be playing Juliet.
Helga:(Scoffs) Yeah, me either. Talk about pressure, you must be really nervous.
Phoebe: Oh, not at all. I'm confident that I can learn all my lines and perform the part successfully.
Helga: Oh, well. Sure, Phoebe, but… I mean, there's so many lines. I mean, what if you forgot one? Or, what if you just completely blank out? With all those people watching you, you'd be humiliated. They'd all laugh at you. And, you'd be letting down Mr. Simmons, and all us kids, who worked so hard on the show.
Phoebe: I... I hadn't considered that.
Helga: What if you're suddenly struck with an attack of stage fright and you just freeze out there, under all those hot lights? And you can't see anything. And everything starts spinning, and your glasses fall off, and...
-
[Switches to the next day at the auditorium.]
Mr. Simmons: Class, I have an announcement. As of today, we have another new Juliet. Lila will essay the role, since Phoebe has decided she would rather be our stage manager.
Lila: Thank you, ever so much.
(Applause from the kids. Helga watches from above.)
Helga: Three down, one to go. Then, I'll essay Juliet, in Mr. Shakespeare's show. (Laughs maniacally)
-
[Arnold is reading the script in his bedroom.]
Arnold: “Her eyes in the heaven, would through the airy region stream so bright...”
(The door opens and Oskar enters.)
Oskar: Arnold, I wanted to do something to help you with your play. (Shows small pieces of paper from his pocket) So, I made Suzie write all your lines on these tiny pieces of paper. And, when you forget your lines, you pull them out of your pants and read them.
Arnold: Isn't that cheating?
Oskar: Exactly.
Mr. Hyunh: Oskar!
Arnold: Mr. Hyunh?
Mr. Hyunh: Why do you always have to cheat, Oskar? Why can't you act like a normal person?
Oskar: Me? What about you? You're wearing a dress.
Mr. Hyunh: That is to help Arnold. I am Juliet!
Oskar: You're not Juliet, you're a sad man wearing a dress!
Mr. Hyunh: But I'm Juliet. Juliet!
-
[In Lila’s house]
Helga: It's such a violent play, Lila. All those bloody sword fights, and everything, doesn't it just disgust you?
Lila: Not at all. The violence only serves to underscore the real meaning of the play, which is that "love conquers all."
Helga: Oh, w-well, what about all those lines? I mean, what if you blow it on stage?
Lila: I never get stage fright. I feel just oh-so comfortable in front of an audience.
Helga: What about that crazy costume you have to wear?
Lila: I've seen the work Sheena has done on the dress. I think it's just delightful.
Helga: Look, Lila, I have to play Juliet.
Lila: Why, Helga?
Helga: Because, I just do, okay?!
Lila: Well, if you don't have a reason—
Helga: I have a reason! I just can't tell you what it is.
Lila: It isn't by any chance because you like Arnold, is it?
Helga: Are you crazy?
Lila: Oh, because, if that was the reason, if you wanted to play Juliet because you really like Arnold and you wanted to kiss him or something. Well, I sure could understand that. I guess, I'd think it was ever so sweet. And, I wouldn't mind giving up the part so you could do it.
Helga: Y-You mean, if I said I liked Arnold… Then you'd let me play Juliet?
Lila: Sure, Helga, but you don't. So, I guess...
Helga: W-Wait a minute.
Lila: Yes, Helga?
Helga: Strictly hypothetically, if I said I liked Arnold (laughs nervously) talk about crazy idea. Would you swear never to tell a soul about it?
Lila: I suppose so, if it was a secret or something.
Helga: And, would you also understand that, and this is still hypothetical, that if I told you I liked Arnold, and you spilled the beans to anybody, that I would strangle you with my bare hands? (Makes a strangling motion with her hands)
Lila:(Frowns) Well... Well, I'm sure I would never tell.
Helga:(Whispers) I like Arnold.
Lila: Pardon? I couldn't hear you.
Helga:(Mumbles) I like Arnold.
Lila: I'm sorry, Helga, you're mumbling.
Helga: I like Arnold! (Sighs) I'm head over heels, hook, line, and sinker, over the moon, loop-de-loop, wow and toot! I'm in love with the boy! Happy now? Happy?
Lila: I've kind of had a funny feeling you liked him.
Helga: So, can I have the part?
Lila: Of course, Helga.
Helga: Thanks!
(Helga starts to leave but stops by the door.)
Helga: Oh, and remember, if you tell anyone… (strains her voice and do the strangling motion)
Lila:(Holds up her palm) I promise.
(Helga salutes and finally leaves.)
-
[Back in the auditorium]
Mr. Simmons: I just can't understand why on earth so many girls would drop out of the part of Juliet.
Helga: Um, it's a mystery.
Mr. Simmons:(Sighs) Well, it's all up to you now, Helga. I'm just concerned because you haven't had a chance to rehearse at all. Are you sure you can learn all the lines?
Helga: No sweat. I got all night.
-
[The camera sets to a moon outside Helga’s house and switches to the living room. Helga and Bob Pataki are practicing the script for the play.]
Helga: “Therefore, pardon me and not impute this yielding to light love, which the dark night hath so discovered.”
Bob: “Lady, by yonder blessed moon I vow…” Oh, boy!
Helga: Come on, Dad! I gotta learn my lines by tomorrow night.
Bob: Okay, okay. All right. Let's see. “Lady, by yonder blessed moon I vow…”
Helga: “O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb…”
(The scene switches to the moon then to Helga’s bedroom where she writes in her pink book.)
Helga: All my days have come to this, my secret heart expecting one kiss. And though, it comes from a pretender, not me. But, Juliet, the sender, may Arnold take my kiss for tender.
Miriam: Did you remember to take your constipation medicine?
Helga: Yes, Miriam! (Sighs wearily before she looks up to the moon)
-
[The camera sets outside the auditorium. The backstage is busy with fourth-grade students as the show is about to go on.]
(Indistinct chatter)
Mr. Simmons: People. People, this is it. It's almost curtain time. Please, remember your cues. If you get mixed up, help each other out. And... Oh, Curly, no improvising.
(Curly shrugs)
Mr. Simmons: This is Shakespeare. I know you're all going to do a great job. Get frosty. It's going to be a fiasco. It's going to be a smash, you'll see.
(The curtains open)
Marcy: Our play is about two families in Verona, Italy. Who feud and fight, and hate each other very bitterly. From one family comes Romeo, from the other, Juliet. These two youngsters fell in love the moment that they met. No one wishes them to be together. Although, that is their aim. "I'll love Romeo, forever," vows Juliet, "no matter what his last name." They have to meet in secret on a balcony at night. And, the more they fall in love, the more their friends and family fight. In the end, they find a way, to join forever in love and bliss. Romeo and Juliet die together, after just one final kiss. (Exits)
(The camera switches to a scene of Act 3, Scene 1, where Harold, Curly, and Arnold essayed as Tybalt, Mercutio, and Romeo.)
Harold: I am for you!
Arnold: Gentle, Mercutio, put thy rapier up.
Curly: Come, sir, your passado.
Arnold: Tybalt, Mercutio, the Prince hath expressly forbid this bandying in Verona streets.
Harold:(Exclaims in annoyance) Die!
(Harold pierces the sword beside Arnold, missing Curly. Curly quickly took the sword and "stabs" himself, dramatically grunts and falls down from the stage. The audience gasp, and Mr. Leichliter grins as he writes in his notebook. Next, Act 2, Scene 2, where Romeo stands below Juliet's balcony, respectfully portrayed by Arnold and Helga.)
Arnold: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Her eyes in heaven, would through the airy region...
(Helga enters from the balcony. but misses a step and collapses. The audience laughs, and Mr. Leichliter snickers.)
Arnold: So bright... That...
(Helga stands up)
Arnold: So bright that... So bright...
(Mr. Hyunh made a 'flapping wings' hand motion in the audience.)
Arnold: Birds would sing and think it were not night.
Mr. Hyunh: Yes! Okay.
Helga: Ay me.
Arnold: She speaks. O, speak again, bright angel.
Mr. Simmons: Please don't be bad. Please don't be bad.
Helga: O, Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
(Mr. Simmons smiles, as Mr. Leichliter blinks in disbelief. The scene proceeds to Act 5, Scene 5, where Stinky as Friar Lawrence enters the stage.)
Stinky: Romeo. O, pale. Who else? What? Paris, too. And, steeped in blood. Ah, what an unkind hour is guilty of this lamentable chance?
(Helga wakes and yawns)
Stinky: The lady stirs.
Helga: O comfortable Friar, where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be, and there I am. Where is my Romeo?
Stinky: Come. Come away. Thy husband is thy bosom there lies dead.
(Helga gasps)
Stinky: And Paris, too. Stay not to question for the watch is coming. Come. Go, good Juliet. I dare no longer stay.
Helga: Go, get thee hence, for I will not away.
Stinky: Okey-dokey. (Exits)
Helga: What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand. Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. O, churl, drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.
Rhonda: Okay, girls, this is it. The kiss.
(Dramatic music plays as Helga kisses Arnold.)
Helga: Mmm...
(The scene switches between audience members. The kiss is so long, Mr. Simmons starts to look at his watch.)
Helga: Mu-wah! (Pants) Yeah, noise? Then I'll be brief. O, happy dagger, this is thy sheath! There rust, and let me die.
(Helga "stabs" herself with the prop, and dramatically screams as she falls down unto Arnold. The curtains close and all applauds in tears.)
Audience: Bravo!
Mr. Hyunh: Bravo!
Mr. Leichliter: Bravo!
(The curtain opens and the whole cast bows.)
Arnold: I guess we did all right, Helga.
Helga: I guess so. Except for that disgusting kiss. Ew, yuck! I practically threw up.
Arnold: Then why did you kiss me so long?
Helga: Hey, I was acting, football head! I was being professional. Do you think I wanted to do that? I practically gagged.
