Scene One: Phoebe is Pushed to the Breaking Point[]
(The school bell rings at PS 118, cutting to inside the classroom where Phoebe is sharpening pencils at the wall pencil sharpener. She turns to give them to Helga, who is standing nearby checking her nails.)[]
Phoebe (cheerfully)
Here you go, Helga.
Helga
I said sharp, Phoebe. These are duller than afternoon tea with my granny.
Phoebe (She pricks a finger with the end of the pencil. They are indeed sharp as Phoebe recoils and shakes her hand in pain.)
Redoing... Ouch!
(Fade to the cafeteria. Helga walks towards where Phoebe is sitting and sits down next to her, putting her feet up on the table.)[]
Helga (idly)
Burger and fries, chocolate milk, two bendy straws, and hop to it, Phoebs, I'm starving here.
Phoebe
Fetching.
(Phoebe gets up to retrieve Helga's order. As she leaves, Helga picks up the Bang Comics comic book on the table and opens it, then looks over at Phoebe's sandwich she left behind. Helga grabs it and takes a bite.)[]
(Fade to a hallway in PS 118 where Helga's in front of her open locker checking/cleaning her teeth as Phoebe stands nearby.)[]
Phoebe
I'll see you on the bus, Helga. I'm off the library to return a book.
Helga (piling her eight books onto Phoebe)
Oh, great. You can take mine back, too. They're only a few weeks overdue. Shouldn't cost you more than 10 or 20 bucks.
Phoebe
Returning. Um, Helga, since my excursion to the library may take a few more minutes than previously anticipated, do you think you could please do me a little favor and hold the bus?
Helga (distractedly)
Sure thing, Phoebs.
(Cut to later outside the school. Phoebe emerges to see Helga already on the bus, mere seconds before it pulls away from the school. Her initial smile had fallen to a dejected frown.)[]
Phoebe (sadly)
She couldn't even do that one thing for me.
(It starts to rain as Phoebe's disappointment sours. She starts to walk back home. Cut to the thunderstorm rumbling at Phoebe's house, then inside Phoebe's room where Phoebe is asleep and having an awful dream as she strains in her sleep.)[]
(With a flash of lighting, we cut to inside the dream. Dream Phoebe is dressed in Cinderella-like rags and ankle shackles, while Dream Helga looks intimidatingly reminiscent of Queen Elizabeth I on a large throne with a large scepter. A dog with a diamond collar sits beside Dream Helga that has Helga's iconic pigtails and pink hair bow.)[]
Dream Phoebe
Um, excuse me, Your Royal Highness. I thought you might be pleased to know that I finally finished spit shining all the palace floors.
Dream Helga (revealing her foot, dropping her scepter, and gesturing to the dog)
Excellent. Now, cleanse my royal feet, polish my royal scepter, and delouse the royal dog.
Helga-Like Dog
(barks)
Dream Phoebe (curtsying)
Obeying. Um, Your Royal Highness, since my forthcoming royal duties may require more dexterity than perhaps Your Greatness has anticipated, do you think you could please do me one little favor?
Dream Helga
Me? Do a favor for you?
Dream Phoebe
Well, yes. You see, I was wondering if you could please remove my shackles. They're quite prohibitive.
Dream Helga (haughtily)
Oh, that's funny. That's terribly, terribly funny.
Dream Phoebe (desperately dropping to her knees)
Please, please, if you could just do this one little thing for me...
Dream Helga
A favor? A favor??
(Dream Helga laughs wickedly at the request, zooming closer and closer to her mouth as the laugh rings out.)[]
(At the peak of the evil laughter, Phoebe's phone rings beside her bed, jolting her awake the next morning with a gasp. She picks it up. It's Helga.)[]
Phoebe (meekly)
Hello?
Helga (idly)
Yo Phoebs, could you do me a favor on your way to school? I need you to pick up my dry cleaning. It's only 10 or 12 blocks out of your way. And why don't you grab me a dozen donuts, too? Those chocolate cream-filled ones with the pink frosting and little heart-shaped sprinkle things? Thanks.
Phoebe (despondently)
No problem.
Scene Two: Phoebe Breaks a Leg[]
(Fade to Phoebe walking down the street to school with a tall pile of Helga's dry cleaning and two boxes of doughnuts. She wouldn't be able to see where she's going.)[]
Phoebe (as Arnold and Gerald cross the road in front of her)
Perhaps my dream meant nothing at all. Perhaps it was merely an absurd fantasy, its players and contents having nothing at all to do with reality. On the other hand, if I were to interpret it in a more literal fashion, I'd have to conclude judging by the rather overt symbolism that I'm currently experiencing negative feelings about certain inequalities in my relationship with Helga.
Arnold (urgently, pointing to a bus heading her way)
Phoebe! Look out!
Phoebe
Huh?
(Phoebe immediately screams as it cuts to the bus blaring its horn and drives headlong into the camera, the sound of a thud as Phoebe is hit.)[]
(Fade from black to Helga walking past the front of the school towards the commotion.)[]
Helga (seeing the ambulance)
Hmm. I wonder what all the fuss is about. (chuckle) Bet Wartz pulled the old groin muscle again. What the...
(Helga picks up a dress revealing Phoebe's shattered glasses. She overhears the other's talking about Phoebe's misfortune and ducks behind a postbox to hide in guilt.)[]
Arnold
Poor Phoebe.
Stinky
Yeah. With all Helga's wash obstructing her view, she never even saw the dang bus comin'.
Gerald (as Phoebe is loaded into the ambulance)
Mmm-mmm-mmm. Getting mowed down by a bus doing errands for Helga Pataki? Now that is truly sad.
Arnold
I guess you're right, Gerald. If Phoebe hadn't been doing favors for Helga, this probably wouldn't have happened.
Helga (as the ambulance pulls away)
Oh, dear sweet Phoebe. What have I done? Phoebe! Oh, I must go to her right away. I must beg her for forgiveness. I must right to her whom I have so wronged. I only pray that I'm not too late.
(She runs off-screen to follow the ambulance, but not before turning back to pick up a doughnut and take a large bite, then pursuing the ambulance once again.)[]
(Cut to the Drymon Medical Center, followed by another cut to Helga opening a door to a hospital room. She's met with a heavily bandaged person in a bed.)[]
Helga (approaching the body, distraught)
Oh, poor innocent Phoebe. This is all my fault. If I hadn't sent you on the senseless errand of picking up dry cleaning, and chocolate cream-filled donuts with the pink frosting and little heart-shaped sprinkles, this horrible catastrophe would've never happened.
Phoebe (wheeling in on a wheelchair into the room)
Helga?
Helga (looking back to her, pushing herself off the body)
Phoebe?
Bandaged Man (hurt after being pushed off of)
(groans in pain)
Helga (joyfully relieved)
Phoebe, you're okay!
Phoebe
Of course, I'm okay. I just have a minor stress fracture on my lower leg.
Helga (giving Phoebe a hug)
Minor stress fracture? Oh, that's wonderful. What am I talking about? It isn't wonderful, it's horrible.
Phoebe (as Helga releases the hug)
It is?
Helga
Of course, it is, Phoebe. It's horrible because I did it to you. I mean, think about it. If I hadn't put you under so much stress this morning, if I didn't make you change your normal safe schedule, you wouldn't have walked in front of that bus and this never would've happened.
Phoebe
Helga, it was just an accident.
Helga
Oh, no. Don't try to take the blame, Phoebe. This is my fault, and I'm gonna make it up to you. And so, until that cast comes off your leg, until you're completely healed, until your very serious minor stress fracture is a thing of the past, I, Helga G Pataki, am going to be your humble servant. And I'm going to treat you like a queen.
Phoebe
A queen?
Helga
And don't try to talk me out of it.
Phoebe
Well, okay, Helga. I mean, if you insist.
Scene Three: Phoebe Gets Treated Like a Queen[]
(Fade to PS 118, then inside the classroom. Helga happily wheels Phoebe to her desk and opens it for Phoebe to see the contents. The desk is fully stocked and extremely neat.)[]
Phoebe
You reorganized my desk and stocked it with fresh supplies? Whenever did you find the time?
Helga
I came in last night, slipped the janitor a 20 and he let me raid the school store.
Phoebe
Gosh, Helga, thanks so much.
(Fade to the cafeteria. Helga cheerfully sets a tray of thoughtfully selected food down for Phoebe.)[]
Phoebe
Wow, that's quite a selection.
Helga
Ha! You kidding? This is just the first course.
Phoebe
Gee, Helga, you sure are good to me.
(Fade to the bus where kids are already lining up to board. Helga helps a blindfolded Phoebe up the bus steps with a smile.)[]
Helga (taking off Phoebe's blindfold, revealing the seat that has a banner on it: "RESERVED until further notice Helga G Pataki")
I saved it for us.
Phoebe (surprised)
You mean you reserved us the incredibly exclusive left-side front seat?
Helga (swinging her fist around)
Yup. I mean, sure, Old Betsy here had to put in a little overtime, but eventually I got the job done.
Phoebe (hopping over to the seat and sitting down)
Really, Helga, you shouldn't have. But I'm so glad you did.
(Fade to Drymon Medical Center. Inside, Phoebe's doctor is checking her leg x-rays with her.)[]
Phoebe
So, what's the diagnosis, Doctor? Am I going to be laid up for a few more weeks?
Doctor (setting the x-ray on the viewer light box)
On the contrary, Phoebe, you're ready to get your cast off today.
Phoebe
You mean, I'm healed?
Doctor
Yup. Quite miraculous, actually. Anyway, I'm ready to return you to your normal life.
Phoebe
My normal life?
(Phoebe forlornly reminisces on all of the demands that Helga had made prior to her getting her stress fracture.)[]
Helga (Voice Over)
These are duller than afternoon tea with my granny. Hop to it, Phoebs, I'm starvin' here. They're only a few weeks overdue, shouldn't cost you more than 10 or 20 bucks.
Phoebe (as the doctor washes his hands)
Um, Doctor, do you think I could keep my cast once it's removed, you know, as a souvenir?
(Cut to a flash of lightning with thunder breaking at Phoebe's house. Inside her room, Phoebe hits at her split cast with a metal forging hammer. She grabs the pair of purple wielding goggles from her neck and puts them on, then ignites a wielder's torch and holds it on the cast for a bit.)[]
Phoebe
It'll only be for a little while longer. And besides, what harm could it do anyway? I mean, after all, what Helga doesn't know certainly won't hurt her.
(It's revealed that she has modified her cast to have hinges on it. Putting her foot in for a test, it shuts with a soft metallic click.)[]
Phoebe
(chuckling darkly) Perfect.
Scene Four: Phoebe Fakes It[]
(Fade to PS 118, leftover storm still rumbling. Phoebe is wheeling herself to class. As she opens the door, Arnold appears to hold it open for her with a smile.)[]
Arnold
Hey, Phoebe. How are you feeling?
Phoebe
Things are just great. Though I'm sad to report that I'll have to have my cast on for a few more weeks.
Helga (walking towards them with a large stack of books)
A few weeks, huh?
(She trips with an exclamation, books flying everywhere. Arnold and Phoebe look at her concernedly.)[]
Phoebe
I hope it's not gonna be too much of a problem for you. Because, if it is, I suppose I could try and wheel myself around.
Helga (sitting up with a finger-gun, a wink and a smile)
Problem? Of course not, Phoebe. Like I said before, I'm here to serve.
(Fade to the cafeteria, kids chattering as we zoom on Phoebe blissfully relaxing with some headphones on her ears. Helga taps on her shoulder and Phoebe takes them off.)[]
Helga (happily setting a tray down of food)
Broccoli cheese-puff casserole, fruit juice, chocolate pudding cup.
Phoebe (handing Helga the bowl of pudding)
It's great, Helga. Only, only I'd really prefer tapioca pudding. I mean, if it's not too much trouble.
Helga (dutifully)
Coming right up.
(Phoebe puts her headphones back on with a smile.)[]
(Fade to Phoebe's locker. Helga, wearing a belt of cleaning tools and products, opening it for her.)[]
Helga (as the camera pans up and shows how well the locker was cleaned)
See? I cleaned and reorganized the whole thing just like you asked.
Phoebe
Thanks, Helga. Now, do you think you could alphabetize the books for me?
Helga (already starting to take the books out)
Yeah, sure, Phoebs. No problem.
(Fade to the bus. Inside, Helga puts aside the RESERVED sign and sits closer to the window, gesturing to the spot next to her.)[]
Helga
Why don't you take the aisle today, Phoebe? You can have more room to stretch out your leg.
Phoebe
Actually, Helga, I'd probably be more comfortable if you sat over there.
(Phoebe points a thumb at the seat to the right of them where Brainy is sitting. He pats the seat next to him, making kissing noises at Helga. She shrugs.)[]
Helga (jauntily)
Moving.
(Brainy breath heavily and nasally as Helga sits next to him. Pan to Gerald, Stinky, and Arnold sitting a couple seats behind the two.)[]
Gerald (as Helga knocks Brainy out, off-screen)
Helga taking orders from Phoebe? Now there's something you don't see every day.
Stinky
Whillikers, you ain't kiddin'.
Arnold (looking at Phoebe who's reclining on the seat with a smug smile on her face)
It is pretty weird. But once she gets her cast off, things will probably go back to the way they were.
(Fade to a new day. Phoebe and Helga are at the school library. Helga is tiredly turning pages of a book for Phoebe to read. Phoebe starts to scratch at her cast. When that isn't working, she tries to scratch the itch from the inside with the back of a pencil. With no luck, she discretely snaps.)[]
Phoebe (wheeling herself away)
That's it. I can't take it anymore.
Helga (suddenly alert, shutting the book and following after her)
Phoebe? Where are you going?
Phoebe
It's okay, Helga. I'm just getting a little exercise.
Helga (calling out to her)
You're sure? You're sure you don't need my help?
Phoebe
I'm fine.
(Helga stops pursuing. With a shrug, she returns to where she was sitting. Phoebe turns into an empty aisle of books and takes off her cast, wiggling her toes freely. With no one watching, Phoebe scratches at her leg.)[]
Phoebe
Ooh, ah, ooh...
Arnold (appearing from around the corner)
Phoebe?
Phoebe (shocked)
Arnold!
Arnold
What are you doing?
Phoebe
Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.
Arnold
Your cast, it isn't real.
Phoebe (shakily)
What are you talking about, Arnold? Of course it's real.
Arnold
Phoebe, I just saw you take it off and put it back on. Maybe it was real once. But now? Now it has hinges.
Phoebe (irritably, re-securing her cast)
Okay. So what if it is a fake? It's a free country. I can fake a broken leg if I want to.
Arnold
I guess. But why would you want to?
Phoebe
No reason.
Arnold
Phoebe this doesn't by any chance have anything to do with Helga, does it?
Phoebe
Helga?
Arnold
Yeah, you know, because of the way she treats you.
Phoebe (defensively)
Well, of course not, Arnold. That's completely ridiculous. I mean, just because Helga's been waiting on me hand and foot ever since the bus accident, that was essentially her fault, doesn't mean that I've falsely prolonged my injury in some kind of passive-aggressive attempt to reap the benefits of her guilty conscience, and simultaneously give her a taste of her own bossy medicine.
Arnold
Good, because treating her the same way she treated you really wouldn't solve anything.
Phoebe (curtly as the school bell rings)
I completely agree. Anyway, I'll see you later, Arnold.
(Fade to black.)[]
Scene Five: Phoebe Feels Guilty[]
(Fade in on the classroom. Phoebe strains to get comfortable in her chair next to Helga.)[]
Phoebe
Helga, I need a pillow adjustment.
Helga (dutifully)
Fluffing.
(She does so. Phoebe smiles until she sees that Arnold is looking at her. When he knows she sees him, he looks back at his work.)[]
Phoebe
That's enough, thank you.
Helga
Really? Are you sure you don't need a little more lift on the left?
Phoebe
I'm sure.
(Fade to the cafeteria. Helga is pushing Phoebe to their table.)[]
Phoebe
So Helga, what's for lunch?
Helga
You see, I was up late last night thinking about your nutritional needs and decided that you really shouldn't be eating this cafeteria food.
(She throws the tray full of food idly across the table. It lands square in the face of Eugene, the tray sliding down his face and some sauce flying off as his nose springs back into place.)[]
Helga (revealing, from behind her back, a small lunchbox of maki rolls she made)
And so, homemade avocado rolls.
Phoebe (delightedly taking a roll from the box)
Ooh, they're exquisite.
(Just as she's about to take a bite, Phoebe sees Arnold pass by. Feeling guilty, she puts the sushi back shamefully.)[]
Phoebe (sadly)
On second thought, Helga, I'm not really that hungry right now.
Helga
Are you sure? If you'd rather have something else, I've got some backup lunches in my locker.
Phoebe
Maybe later.
(Fade to the hallway. Helga and Phoebe are by a low sink. Phoebe emerges from her head back in the sink, a low hairdresser's cape around her neck, while Helga has a lab coat on. She reaches into her backpack and grabs out four shampoos: "IT GIRL", "SPIKE OR GANGS", "L'eau de Tergger", and "POMEGRANATE PASSION".)[]
Helga (holding out the shampoos for Phoebe to choose from)
I brought four different shampoos. I wasn't sure which one you liked.
Phoebe
Ooh. How about pomegranate passion?
Helga (cheerily, throwing the other three off-screen)
Shampooing.
(As Helga puts some of the product in her hand, Arnold enters the classroom behind her. Guilt once again grips Phoebe.)[]
Phoebe (wheeling away from Helga)
Come to think of it, Helga, I don't think I want my hair washed today.
Helga (stopping mid-lather, dropping the bottle)
It's my fault, isn't it? I should've brought you more than four choices.
Phoebe (sadly)
No, Helga. Honestly, it's not you.
(Fade to the bus, other kids alighting it as Phoebe wheels off to the side of it, contemplative of her actions.)[]
Phoebe
(sigh) Maybe this whole situation's gone far enough. Maybe I just ought to call the whole thing off. Maybe it's time that I admit it to myself that I can't possibly fake my injury forever.
Helga (appearing suddenly in front of Phoebe with her belongings)
Here's your math book, notebook, and calculator now wait here while I run across the street and call a cab for your appointment.
Phoebe
My appointment?
Helga
Yeah, today's your day with the Swedish massage therapist. Now, I'll only be a second.
Phoebe (urgently)
No, Helga, wait!
(Helga runs across the road to the payphone on the other side, a car screeching to a halt as it honks. She picks up the phone and digs in her dress pocket for a quarter. A few tumble out and fall into the grate beside her.)[]
Phoebe (watching her sadly)
Oh...
(Phoebe looks over at the bus and sees Arnold in the back window looking at her as it starts to drive away. She finally snaps to her senses.)[]
Phoebe (determinedly)
That's it! I can't do this anymore! Arnold was right -- This has everything to do with Helga. And what I'm doing to her is no better than what she was doing to me.
(Suddenly a truck peals down the street, its horn starting to blare. Phoebe looks over at her friend hunched down to the grate fishing out the quarters.)[]
Phoebe
Helga.
Helga (successfully getting out a fistful, her arm dripping with muck)
Ah-ha!
(Phoebe lifts her leg down, unclasps the cast, stands up and runs to her friends aid. As the truck gets closer, Helga drops her quarters in fear. Just as it gets far too close, Phoebe dives in front of it and pushes her friend out of the way of the oncoming vehicle. Both, thankfully, are safe now. They both sit up a little.)[]
Helga (delighted)
Phoebe, your leg! You're healed!
Phoebe (guiltily)
Uh-huh.
Helga (with a smile)
That's great. Now, could you call me an ambulance?
(Helga promptly faints.)[]
Scene Six: Helga Breaks a Leg[]
(Fade to the Drymon Medical Center. Inside a hospital room, Helga is now in a wheelchair with a broken leg, the same side as Phoebe's was. Both friends are talking with each other and it's implied Phoebe explained the whole story to Helga.)[]
Phoebe (guiltily)
And so, I faked my injury because I found that I really liked you doing things for me for a change. Oh, I'm sorry, Helga. I should've just told you how I was feeling in the beginning.
Helga (softly)
Wait a minute. Are you saying that you felt like I was taking advantage of you or something?
Phoebe
Well, yes.
Helga
Y-You mean, you felt I was making you do too much stuff for me and I wasn't doing enough for you?
Phoebe
Precisely.
Helga (genuinely surprised)
Oh, wow. But, I always thought you liked doing things for me.
Phoebe
Well, I do, Helga. But sometimes I wish things were a little different. I guess I wish sometimes you'd do things just for me.
Helga (with a smile)
Well okay, Phoebe, I could do that.
Phoebe (delightedly)
Really?
Helga
Oh, sure. From now on, it's not all gonna be about me. Uh, could you get the door?
Phoebe (cheerfully)
Opening.
Helga (as the two exit, Phoebe wheeling her out)
It's gonna be about me and you. As far as doing favors for each other, it's gonna be even-Steven. Hey, snag me one of those fruit cups, would ya?
Phoebe (grabbing a fruit cup)
Snagging.
Helga (entering an elevator as Phoebe presses a button inside)
From now on, everything's gonna be much better. You'll see. No, not L, Phoebe. B, B, B.
Phoebe (presses the other button)
Re-pressing.