(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
A talent show? Arnold, what talent do we have?
You could play the piano.
Everyone plays the piano for the talent show.
Come over tonight, and we'll think of somethin'.
Yeah, how about impressions?
Maybe you can fly around the auditorium like a bird.
Thanks, Grandma.
And in the world of show business, living legend Dino Spumoni,
one of America's greatest popular singers,
has announced he has split up
with his long-time partner, lyricist Don Reynolds.
(SHUSHING) This is big news.
I've been listening to Dino Spumoni since the 40s.
The team is responsible for scores of Top 40 hits,
including such favorites as Magic Fingers,
The Doll Can Swing and You Better Not Touch My Gal.
(SNAPPING FINGERS) ♪ You better not touch my gal
♪ Or I'll pop you In the kisser, pal
♪ You better not even try
♪ Or you'll be lookin' at a big black eye
BOTH: ♪ So listen good, you two-bit hood
♪ I'll give you to the count of ten
♪ And if you're not gone by the crack of dawn
♪ You'll never eat solid food again! ♪
(GRANDMA LAUGHING) Oh, Grandma, you've still got it in you.
Yeah, I remember the first time I sang that one
back at the palace ball room in '54.
Dino Spumoni!
(EXCLAIMS) You left the front door open.
So is there a spare room in this rat trap or what?
Oh, oh, yes. Of course. Of course. But...
But why would I want to stay in this dump
when I could be Downtown at The Regent or The Lincoln.
See, years ago, when I was gettin' started,
I stayed in this joint,
with that two-bit, gutter-swelling chiseler I used to call my partner.
So, I thought I'd get back to my roots for a little inspiration.
So, can a fella get a room around here?
This will be perfect.
I got my keyboard and I could start writing
on my new album, "Simply Dino."
So, Dino, if it's all right to ask,
why'd you split up with Don? Listen, kid,
I made that sack of garbage everything he is.
It ain't my fault if he doesn't know how to show respect
for the guy who made him famous.
If I never see that bum again it'll be too soon.
Yep, this is it.
Same place where I got started way back when,
before that slick showbiz operator
started getting rich off my music.
Now, back to my roots
to write my own solo album, "Simply Don."
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, you're... Yeah, Don Reynolds.
Save the chit-chat, okay?
I just wanted to get away from that arrogant suit I used to work with.
Now, uh, how about a room?
ARNOLD: Well, what about comedy?
Maybe we could do a sketch or somethin'.
Maybe we should just forget about it.
Don't worry, Gerald. We'll think of somethin'. (DOOR SLAMS)
DINO: Get out of my sight, you good-for-nothing backstabber!
I got here first.
Yeah? Well, I thought of coming here first.
How do you know that? Look at them goin' at each other.
How can two guys who've been friends for so long
get so mad at each other? I don't know, Gerald.
Come on, we still got to figure out our act.
DON: That doesn't even make any sense.
Well, I'm not leavin' this joint.
And neither am I.
(SAWING) (RIPS)
(BOTH GROAN)
Maybe we need to sleep on it.
The talent show's in four days.
We're running out of time.
Well, I need a break.
And a new t-shirt.
Oh, all right.
We'll do it tomorrow.
See you later. Later.
Hey, kid. Listen to my new tune, will ya? Okay.
It's gonna be on my solo album "Simply Don."
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
♪ Without Oliver Hardy
♪ Stan Laurel wouldn't show
♪ And there ain't no romance
♪ In a solo Romeo
♪ Without Sacagawea
♪ Clark would still be In Duluth
♪ Without you with me, baby
♪ I'm nothin', nothin'
♪ That's the truth ♪
(PANTING) What do you think? Hot, huh?
It's, uh... It's good.
I mean, the words are really good
and the music is okay.
Maybe if you just fix up the melody a little,
you know, like some of those songs Dino Spumoni used to sing?
Now, listen here, I can write music without that chump Spumoni.
Who asked you anyway?
Later.
(MELODIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, kid. Come here for a minute.
I want you to hear this song I'm writing.
(VOCALIZING)
♪ And you need a big tattoo
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Crummy leather shoe ♪
Or somethin' like that.
Well, it's just the opening but what do you think?
Well, it's a really nice tune. Thank you.
But I'm not sure about the words.
Look, kid, I've been in this business a long time
and if I wanted your opinion I'd ask you for it.
Now my lyrics are good. Really good.
Way better than anything that hack Reynolds could've written.
Now, get off to school. Scram, would ya?
Well, good luck.
(BELL RINGING)
I know. How about poetry reading?
That's a great idea.
Do you think they'll wait till after the show to beat us up?
Or will they storm the stage and do it right in the middle of our act?
You know, Gerald, maybe you can come up with an idea
instead of just throwin' out all of mine.
Hey, I'm not the one who signed up without having an idea.
And as far as having all the ideas,
that's only because you always say whatever crazy idea
pops into your head.
I, on the other hand,
like to wait until I think of a really good idea
before I just blab it out. Yeah, right, Gerald.
Why don't you just face the truth?
You expect me to do all the work.
Well, here's an idea for you.
I think we should just forget the whole thing.
Yeah, maybe you're right for once.
Hey, here's another idea.
Maybe we've just been spending too much time together.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Well, that's two things we can agree on.
See you around, or not.
Not is just fine with me.
(DINO VOCALIZING)
♪ Crummy leather shoe
(VOCALIZING)
♪ You need some food to chew ♪
(PIANO KEYS SLAM)
(SOBBING)
Oh, who am I kidding?
I stink without Don's crazy words.
That guy's got poetry in him,
and all I got is "Crummy leather shoe."
(SOBBING)
Are you all right, Dino?
(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not cryin', I just got somethin' in my eye.
And if you tell anybody different,
I might have to have you capped.
Nothing personal, it's just I'm old-fashioned.
I won't tell anyone.
You know, kid, there's nothing in this world like a good partnership.
Yeah, your partner's more than just a partner.
He's your friend.
Somewhere along the line, me and Don forgot that.
-Why don't you tell him? -No, I can't do that.
I'm too proud and full of myself to admit I was wrong.
Sure, without Don, I'll probably destroy my career
and wind up a broken, lonely, penniless shell of a man.
But at least I'll have my pride.
Partner's a special thing, kid.
Don't forget that.
(DON PLAYING MUSIC)
♪ Without Sacagawea (CATS YOWLING)
♪ Clark would still be In Duluth
♪ Without you with me, baby (CATS YOWLING)
♪ I'm nothin', nothin' That's the truth ♪
(WHIMPERING)
What am I, nuts?
I can't write music like Dino.
The man's a genius and I'm nothin'.
Hey. Your song wasn't that bad.
Oh, come on. Didn't you hear those cats screaming?
Face it, I stink.
We had the best thing going
until we blew it over a stupid argument.
The worst part is, kid, I didn't just lose a partner,
I lost my best friend.
(SNIFFLING)
I just wish I was big enough to admit it to him.
I'm sorry, Gerald.
I'm sorry, too.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Yeah, me too.
I guess it was pretty dumb of us to be fighting over a talent show.
Yeah, it was dumb.
Yeah. Partners?
Partners.
Well, we're friends again.
But we still don't have an act for the talent show tonight.
(DINO VOCALIZING)
♪ And you need A big tattoo... ♪
(ARNOLD AND GERALD SIGH)
Boy, Dino sure can write some lousy lyrics. (DON SINGING)
♪ Without Oliver Hardy
♪ Stan Laurel Wouldn't show... ♪
And Don must be the worst melody writer on the planet.
You put them together, they'd be great.
But, separately, oh, man.
(DINO AND DON'S SONG OVERLAPPING) (CATS YOWLING)
Arnold, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Come on, we only have a few hours to rehearse.
Hey, you lousy ingrate.
What are you doing here?
Kid invited me, you bum. What's your excuse?
Kid invited me, too.
Last time I checked, this was still a free country. Any objections?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming.
For our opening act, Arnold will sing a song,
accompanied by Gerald on piano.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) (CLEARS THROAT)
Before we begin, we'd like to thank the writers of the song,
Dino Spumoni and Don Reynolds.
(PLAYING MELODICALLY)
♪ Without Oliver Hardy
♪ Stan Laurel Wouldn't show... ♪
Hey, that's my melody.
And those are my lyrics.
What's the big idea? What's goin' on?
♪...Romeo
♪ Without Sacagawea
♪ Clark would still be In Duluth
♪ Without you with me, baby
♪ I'm nothin' That's the truth... ♪
(SOBBING)
I'm sorry, buddy. It was all my fault.
No, no, no, it was my fault, Dino.
I'm a louse.
I'm the louse, pal.
(SNIFFLING) Well, okay.
But let's never bust up the act again, okay?
♪ Without Dr. Watson, Sherlock wouldn't have a clue
♪ Without you with me, baby
♪ I'm nothin', no nothin'
♪ I'm nothin' without you
Yeah!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)