On the Lam/Transcript

Episode

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Credits

P.S. 118 Playground

(The story begins on the blacktop behind P.S. 118 as Mr. Simmons is giving his class a science demonstration with chemicals and model rockets...)

Mr. Simmons

And the active ingredient is vinegar which when we mixed with the others causes the expansion of gas.

(The kids all cheer as a rocket launches from the chemicals.)

Harold

That is so cool!

Mr. Simmons

Yes, Harold. Science, in fact, is very cool.

Harold

Hey, hey! Can I shoot off the rocket this time?

Mr. Simmons

Well, I'd better supervise the portioning of the ingredients you put in the tube. You don't want to add too much vinegar. It could cause too big an explosion. (school bell rings) Oh, darn that bell! Uh, class, we'll continue our experiment tomorrow.

Harold

Aw, no! I wanna do it now! (he sees Mr. Simmons holding the rockets and gets an idea)

Classroom

(Harold, Stinky and Sid sneak into the classroom and open the science closet)

Stinky

Whillikers... Look at all them rockets.

Harold

This is too good to be true. We'll take them all, strap them together with all whole bunch of baking soda and a whole ton of vinegar and blast them off!

Sid

But, what if we get caught?

Harold

I'm the boss and I' say we're doing it!

Area Behind the Old Police Station

(The three boys approach an empty lot behind an old, dilapidated building...)

Stinky

Hey, maybe we should do this someplace else. We're right in back of an old police station.

Harold

Ah, they won't even see us. Okay, I got the rockets.

Sid

I got the baking soda... and a half gallon of vinegar.

Stinky

And I got the Louisiana hot sauce.

(Stinky displays a bottle labelled "Jackass Kickin' Louisiana Hot Sauce".)

Harold

Hot sauce? That's stupid! Let's do it!

(They mix the chemicals and hot sauce together, and they start to bubble.)

Sid

Oh, this is going to be great. When we all mix it all together, it will blow up so good!

(They all laugh.)

Harold

Oh, we're going to blow, baby. Mix it all in there, mix it... (laughs) More, more, more.

(Meanwhile, out front of the old police station building, Ernie Potts and his demolition team are at work...)

Ernie

All the charges planted?

Guy

Yep.

Ernie

Good. All right now, everybody, stand back!

Harold

Okay, time to add the vinegar.

(He pours it into the launch tube, and the chemicals bubble furiously...)

Sid

Oh, cool!

Harold

Hurry, hurry! Stick the rockets on the tube!

(They do so, and the rockets, all strapped together, start shaking.)

Stinky

She's gonna blow!

(The boys all laugh and run behind the fence.)

Sid

Aah! Run like snot!

(The rockets all launch and start flying towards the police station building as the boys watch. But at the same time, Ernie grabs his dynamite plunger handle with a big grin on his face and pushes it down just as the rockets fly into the window. Ernie's explosives detonate, sending the building flying through the air as the boys all gasp in horror, unaware of what was really happening. The smoke clears as debris rains down from where the police station once was as a car alarm sounds in the distance...)

Sid

We just blew up a police station.

Harold

We, we...

Stinky

I reckon we should go to the authorities.

Harold

We can't go to the authorities, WE JUST BLEW UP THE AUTHORITIES!!!!

Sid

So what do we do?

(The three boys all scream and run for it.)

Street

Sid

They'll be looking for us. We got to find someplace to hide.

Stinky

Hey, fellers, there's Arnold's house!

Sunset Arms Boarding House Cellar

Sid

Ow!

Stinky

Ow!

Harold

Oh!

Stinky

I done went and sat on my hot sauce and now I got hot pants!

Harold

Okay, okay, this will work. We have food down here... and a toilet.

Arnold

I'm just going downstairs to switch loads, Grandpa.

Sid

Shh. Quiet I hear something.

Phil

And don't put my wool underwear in the dryer.

Stinky

Hey, Arn...

Harold

Shh... we tell no one, not even Arnold.

Sid

(Hiccups)

Arnold

Somebody there?

Stinky

Nobody but us here boxes.

Harold

Shut up, Stinky!

Stinky

Aah!

Arnold

Stinky?

Sid

Oh, great, way to blow it, Stinky!

Arnold

What are you guys doing in my basement?

Harold

Nothing! We didn't do anything wrong!

Stinky

And we sure we didn't blow up the police station with the rockets from Mr. Simmons' class!

Both

STINKY!

Stinky

Whoops.

Arnold

Okay. Wait a minute. You blew up the police station with the rockets from Mr. Simmons' class?

Sid

Yes! (sobbing) We saw the whole thing! The rocket flew over the wall and then the station just fell down in a huge cloud of smoke!

Harold

And now we're wanted criminals!

Sid

What are we gonna do?

Arnold

Well, we could go to the police and find out what really happened.

Harold

Aren't you listening, Arnold? We blew up the police!

Stinky

I reckon we got to skip town.

Sid

Yeah, take it on the lam.

Harold

We'll change our identities!

Sid

I know. We can go into one of those witness protection programs. Like they have on TV. They give you a new face, a new name, the works.

Harold

They don't do that for criminals, stupid! They do it for the guys who rat out the criminals!

Sid

Right.

Stinky

I know. We can go down south and live with my grandma. She's got a real big trailer, double wide.

Harold

That's good, let's do it. Run out to the train yard and hop a boxcar. If we can't find your grandma, we'll become hobos!

Sid

Yes, hobos.

Harold

And we can use these for disguises!

Arnold

This is crazy. Listen to yourselves. You're 9 years old. And your gonna disguise yourselves, run away and become hobos?!

Harold

That's right, Arnold! And you're not gonna stop us! (scene goes black and another scene is shown Arnold tied up and mouth taped while Sid, Stinky and Harold are in incognito) Sorry Arnold. We just can't take the chance that you'll turn us in. Now let's catch a bus to the train yard. Ooooh, I can't wait to be a hobo! (Arnold muffled angrily)

Harold's House

Harold's Dad

Okay. Call if you hear anything. Sid and Stinky's parents haven't seem them either.

Harold's Mom

Oh, Jerry, something terrible has happened, I know it! Harold, my baby, my baby!

Jerry

Now, just calm down, Marilyn. I called the police. They'll make some flyers. We'll put them all over the neighborhood.

Marilyn

The fruit of my womb! I wiped the snot from his nose I changed his diapers! Oh...!

Jerry

Too tight, Marilyn, too tight!

Street

Harold

So if the train yard's over here. We have to catch the 47 bus.

Stinky

Psst! Harold...

Harold

Shh, I'm trying to think.

Sid

Harold, the cops!

Harold

Oh no, let's get out of here! Remember, act nartual.

All

(Grunts)

Officer

Hey, you three! Wait!

Sid

Move, move, move!

Officer

Hey, stop!

Sid

They're on to us! Now we're going go to prison... And we'll never worked on the chain gang.

Officer

Stop! Stop! You've dropped your peace medallion.

Harold

Oh... we're safe for now.

Sunset Arms Boarding House Cellar

Phil

Hey, Shortman, have you seen my bicycle pump anywhere? (Arnold grunts) Oh, I get it-- playing Secret Agent, eh? Well, don't mind me. (Arnold grunts again) No matter that they do, Arnold. Don't give them the secret password. (Laughs) Oh, youth, always stretching their imaginations (Arnold muffled crying).

Street

Harold's Dad

Okay, each of you take a stack, staple them up everywhere.

Harold

Oh man, I never seen so many cops in my life!

Sid

Guys, look!

Harold

It's one of those FBI Most Wanted posterd!

Stinky

Aw, now the feds are after us. We're as dead as three turkeys at Thanksgiving dinner.

Harold

We got to get to the train yard!

Sid

It's that way! Run!

Sunset Arms Boarding House Cellar

Ernie

(Arnold muffled sobbing) Oh, uh, hey, there, Arnold. Don't worry... your grandpa told me you were playing Secret Agent. Just grabbing some Yahoos. I'm won't bother you. (Laughs) Darn kids. So carefree. To be that young again.

Street

Stinky

There's the train yard.

Sid

Oh, cheese it, it's the cops.

Dispatcher

One Adam-12 be on the lookout for three young boys, over.

Officer

Have you fellas seen three young boys walking around by themselves?

Harold

(Pretending to be a hobo, he gets asked if he's seen Harold, Stinky, and Sid) Young bots? Uh-uh. Well, we're not boys.

Sid

We're three old men! With weird hair and... beards.

Stinky

And we don't know nothing about some police station!

Harold

(Laughs) He's so old, he's talking crazy! Yeah...

Stinky

Ow!

Sunset Arms Boarding House Living Room

Grandpa Phil

Hey, Shortman, done playing "secret agent"?

Arnold

(frees himself, and untapes his mouth and removes the dirty sock from his mouth) I wasn't playing "secret agent". I was bound and gagged for 2 hours.

Grandpa Phil

Oh, that's different. How'd that happen?

Arnold

Harold, Stinky and Sid tied me up because they thought I was gonna turn them for blowing up the police station.

Ernie

Blowing up the police station? What are you talking about? They didn't blow it up, I did! It's been slated for demolition for months!

Arnold

Well, they think they did it. And they're so scared, they're going to the train yard to hop a box car and become hobos! We gotta stop 'em!

Grandpa Phil

Oh, my gosh, you're absolutely right! We'll go save 'em! Just as soon as the Battlin' Bishop defeats the Lady Beastmaster!

Arnold

Grandpa...

Grandpa Phil

Oh! I'll just look at the highlights on the news then.

Train Yard

Harold

We made it! Let's ditch these costumes.

Sid

Yeah, they smell like Arnold's basement.

Harold

All right, let's find a good boxcar because we're going to be living here for a while so it has to be comfortable.

Sid

How about this one?

Hobo

Hey, this is our car!

Hobo 2

We've been here since '47! So clear out!

Sid

Oh! Sorry.

Harold

Wow, real live hobos.

Stinky

One day we'll be just like them.

Sid

At least we got that going for us.

Announcer

And tonight, in local news police as asking citizens to keep an eye out for three missing boys.

Guy

Give me the police!

Sid

Aw, it's Arnold and his grandpa.

Harold

HE must have ratted us out! I knew we couldn't trust him!

Guy

Boys... I think you'd better come with me.

Harold

Aah! Run...!

Arnold

There they are!

Sid

It's over, Harold.

Harold

No, no, I'm not going down!

Officer

Boys, this is the police! Come out of the boxcar.

Sid

I can't take the pressure! I'm givin' up!

Stinky

Me, too. Maybe they'll give us a lighter sentence.

Harold

Wait, we can't quit! Remember our pact? All for one and one for all! No retreat, no surrender!

Stinky

When in doubt, chicken out.

Sid

The point is, we give up.

Stinky

On account of we're yella.

Harold

Aw... I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I never meant to hurt anyone, ok?!

Stinky

He's right! We were just tryin' to have a little fun!

Sid

(sobbing) It was an innocent childish prank gone awry!

Harold

We never meant to blow up the police station!

Stinky

But we did!

Sid

WE BLEW UP THE POLICE STATION!!!!! Waaaaaah!!!!!

Arnold

You didn't blow up the police station!

Harold

Huh?

Ernie

I did, you nimrods! I dynamited it with my crew!

Harold

You mean you did it and we didn't? And we don't have to be a chain gang?

(The police officers and news crew laugh)

Mrs. Berman

(runs through the crowd and hugs Harold tightly) Oh, Harold! I was so worried, my little pudding! My poor deluded baby!

Harold

Too tight! Too tight, Mom! So, does this mean we're not in trouble?

(The police officers and news crew laugh even harder)

Harold

Uh, Arnold, thanks for saving us. I'm sorry we tied you up and put that old dirty sock in your mouth.

Arnold:

It's okay, Harold. And I'm sorry for turning you in to Mr. Simmons, too.

Harold

WHAT?! You rat! You turned us in for breaking into the science closet and stealing all the rockets and--

Arnold:

Just kidding, Harold.

Mr. Simmons:

Uh, actually, Harold, I saw the whole thing on television. And frankly, I can't believe that you violated the sanctity of our science closet. We'll talk about an appropriate but reasonable punishment in the morning.

Harold, Stinky and Sid:

Aww!

Harold:

I'm tired and hungry and I just wanna eat!