ARNOLD: Okay. Let's run
the Statue of Liberty-
double-reverse-flea-flicker-
razzle-dazzle-fumble-rewski.
Ready?
KIDS: Ready!
Heads up, gang.
Here comes another one
of Arnold's loopy plays.
Forty-two, thirty-three,
hut, hut, hut!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Nice try, tall-hair.
(SIGHS) Just give me
the ball, Wolfgang.
This is our field, amateur.
So clear out and let
the fifth graders play.
Hey, come on. We've got
as much right to play here
as you guys.
Yeah!
Hey, I've got an idea.
If you wanna play so bad,
why don't you play us?
Play you guys in football?
Yeah. Saturday. Right here.
I have a great idea.
How about a game of chess?
We'll have a tournament...
Football!
Football! Here!
Saturday.
We'll be here Saturday.
KIDS: (GASPS) We will?
Yeah. And we'll beat 'em, too.
You punks are gonna beat us?
Now you've got me all nervous.
(CHUCKLES)
So, next Saturday then.
Two o'clock. Right here.
Let's go, Edmund.
(EDMUND GROANS)
Nice head structure.
Good one, Wolfgang.
We're gonna beat them?
Sorry. I got carried away.
Nice going, head boy.
Now we're all gonna
get carried away
on stretchers.
They're fifth graders!
They're older,
bigger, more brutal.
Size isn't everything, Helga.
Maybe we're smarter.
Smarter? Being smarter
doesn't have
anything to do with football.
Well, we've got till Saturday.
Let's practice together
and see what we come up with.
ARNOLD: We kick off,
then hand it to Stinky,
then hook back
to the fence, got it?
Okay. Let's run
the double switcheroo
one more time.
Again?
I know we can get it.
(KIDS GROAN)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
HELGA: That's
way too complicated!
The only way to beat
the fifth-graders is
to beat 'em at their own game.
So we're gonna have
to start bulking up.
What are these?
Power protein drinks.
I want you all to drink
ten of these a day,
every day, until the game.
Okay. Let's move
everybody on the line!
All right, it's simple.
Sid gets the ball. Harold,
you push your bulky frame
in front of us,
and we'll all follow.
But Helga...
But nothing!
Let's go!
You're playing center!
Down, set, hike!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(KIDS GRUNTING AND GROANING)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(KIDS GROANING)
That was pathetic!
And we're gonna
do it again and again.
Hey, Helga, who died
and made you quarterback?
I had some pretty good plays
going until you messed it up.
Forget it!
We don't have time
to work your stupid plays.
(HAROLD GROANS)
If we try them against
the fifth-graders,
they'd send us home
in a gum wrapper.
I'm in charge here.
I'm calling the plays.
Anybody got
a problem with that?
(KIDS GROANING)
Okay. Time for business.
Let's run some drills!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(PANTING, GROANS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(GRUNTS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
HELGA: Drink!
Drink! Drink!
Ninety-seven.
(KIDS STRAINING)
Ninety-eight.
(KIDS STRAINING)
Ninety-nine.
(KIDS STRAINING)
(GROANING)
Come on! Now get up!
Walk it off! Let's go!
(BELCHES)
We're gonna practice everyday
until I start seeing
some improvement.
And let's start
thinking positively.
Think like winners, you bunch
of losers. Any questions?
(HAROLD VOMITS)
(GROANS) I just
threw up my protein drink.
(VOMITS)
I'm so exhausted
I can hardly think.
GERALD: This is
all your fault, Arnold.
You should have never
challenged Wolfgang
in the first place.
We're gonna get k*lled.
Oh, come on, Gerald.
KID: Go long!
I think we're
getting pretty good.
Hey, look over yonder.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, touchdown!
You fourth-graders
are dead meat.
(TIRES SCREECH)
We're dead, man.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Okay, here you go.
More power protein drinks.
Bottoms up.
WOLFGANG: Well, well, well.
It's the little victims
eating their last meal
before we crush 'em.
SID: Uh, Mr. Wolfgang,
Sir, please don't make us
play against you on Saturday.
Oh, trying
to chicken out, huh?
No, we're not.
Actually, I have
a dentist appointment
on Saturday.
I have to get
some stitches removed.
I gotta get my hair waxed.
And I have to feed my dog.
Harold, you don't
even have a dog!
Okay, okay!
Then I'm just scared and cold
and sorta nauseous. (WAILS)
Here's the deal.
You're gonna show up
on Saturday. All of you.
You're gonna play football,
you're gonna lose,
and you're gonna like it.
Got it?
We'll show up,
but we're not gonna lose.
We're gonna beat you.
Fair and square.
Wow.
Inspirational.
(EDMUND CHUCKLES)
See you punks
on the gridiron.
EDMUND: What's a gridiron?
WOLFGANG: Shut up.
Arnold, "we're gonna
beat you fair and square"?
What are you doing
to us, man?
I can't believe
you clods tried
to wimp out like that.
But Helga, it's gonna take
an all-fired miracle
for us to win against
them fifth grade juggernauts.
Stinky's right.
Where are we gonna
get a miracle?
Arnold, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
ARNOLD AND GERALD: Torvald!
(STOMPING)
Hey, who's that guy?
Wolfgang, meet Torvald.
He's not a fourth-grader.
Yes, he is. He's been
held back three years.
Come on, that's not fair!
Look, Wolfgang.
It's a fourth-graders against
fifth-graders game, right?
Torvald is officially
a fourth-grader.
Here's our class picture
to prove it.
Okay. But one kid isn't
going to make any difference.
We're still gonna cream ya.
We'll see.
Okay. Our strategy is
every play, we give
the ball to Torvald.
Uh, right.
Ready!
KIDS: Break!
Down, set, hut!
(GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Ow!
My ankle!
(GASPS)
Go fourth-graders,
yeah! Ow!
Okay. Time for a new strategy.
Harold takes the ball
up the middle. Ready?
KIDS: Break!
Twenty-eight, sixty-four, hut!
I got it.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(KIDS GRUNTING)
EUGENE: Ow.
Hey, this is touch football.
Oops, I guess we forgot.
Hike!
(SID YELPS)
(GRUNTS)
HELGA: Hike!
Ow!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Excuse me, at half time,
it's fifth-graders 42,
fourth-graders zero.
(KIDS GROANING)
Man, I think
we need a new plan.
I have a plan, I quit.
I already ruined
my Caprini sweats.
Helga, we've got
nothing left to lose.
Why don't we try
some of my plays?
Oh, no.
Not your loopy
football-headed plays,
Arnold.
Helga, I believe
that Arnold may be right.
The odds of overpowering
the opposition are very long.
But the odds of outsmarting
them are quite good.
Yeah. So what's your point?
Perhaps we should let Arnold
be quarterback for a while.
Phoebe, have you lost
your mind?
Look, if we don't run
Arnold's plays, then I quit.
PHOEBE: Yeah, me too.
KIDS: Yeah.
STINKY: I've had
enough of this.
Come on,
just try it, Helga.
Okay. Fine, you bunch
of chuckleheads.
Go ahead and run
Arnold's loopy plays.
Okay, listen up.
ARNOLD: Ready?
KIDS: Break!
Forty-two. Hut!
(GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(FOURTH GRADERS CHEERING)
(GROWLING)
Hut!
(CHEERING)
ARNOLD: Hut, hut, hut!
(GROWLING)
Hut, hut!
ARNOLD: Hut!
(GRUNTS)
Excuse me,
the score is 42 to 42.
This is wonderful.
Everything is going our way.
Nothing can stop us.
Plus, it's a lovely fall day.
(THUNDER BREAKS)
Hey, it's starting to rain.
You guys wanna call it a tie?
We are not calling it a tie!
We do not tie
with fourth-graders.
We are fifth-graders,
and we are gonna kick
some fourth-grade behind!
All right,
next touchdown wins.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay. It's only rain,
and they're only
fifth-graders,
and we have the plays
and the smarts on our side.
Let's show these guys how
to play the game of football.
(FOURTH-GRADERS AGREEING)
Let's do
the Statue of Liberty-
double-reverse-flea-flicker-
razzle-dazzle-fumble-rewski.
Gerald scores
in the left corner. Ready?
FOURTH-GRADERS: Break!
(THUNDER BREAKS)
Oh, my love.
Such bravery in the face
of overwhelming odds.
Such pluck. Such complicated,
impossible, loopy ideas.
(SIGHS)
(BRAINY BREATHING NOISILY)
(GROANS)
Heads up, you guys.
Forty-two, thirty-three,
hut, hut, hut!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(SHRIEKS)
(FOURTH-GRADERS CHEERING)
Can't you block?
Yeah, I can block.
I thought
you could play football.
EDMUND: It was
too muddy out there.
WOLFGANG: Yeah, right.
EDMUND: I didn't
see you trying.
WOLFGANG: Hey,
I did better than you!
EDMUND: Wanna bet?
WOLFGANG: Yeah.