Yes, class, science has come
a long way since centuries ago
when primitive medicine
involved bloodletting
and the placement
of leeches...
(STUDENTS GASP)
...on the patients' bodies
in order to cure the ills
of the human race.
(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING
IN DISGUST)
Some theoretical diseases
since debunked
by modern scientists,
are lupus oreololas,
in which the victim's ears
grew uncontrollably
until they resembled those
of a flap-eared rabbit,
but probably
the most ridiculous
was monkeynucleosis
in which the victim...
(STUDENTS MURMURING)
...after coming in contact
with an infected monkey
developed
monkey-like characteristics.
What a bunch of twaddle!
Early physicians believed
a mere scratch
or touch from a monkey
would cause the victim
to contract
the dreaded disease,
leading to sweating, fever,
and eventually, expiration.
Monkeynucleosis!
What a crock!
Well, Helga, early scientists
often struggled with bold,
unsubstantiated theories,
all seeking to explain
man's purpose
during his mysterious
and all-too-short sojourn
on the planet.
You know something, Phoebe?
You really ought
to get out more.
Still, it does make you think.
What would you do if you
thought you only had
a few days to live?
Well, personally,
I'd probably stuff my face
full of ice cream,
skip school,
and just go around
goofing on people.
Hmm. That's deep, Helga.
Well, see you tomorrow.
(BOTH GROAN)
Arnold!
Oh! Sorry, Helga.
I mean, watch where
you're going, football head.
What a klutz! Sheesh!
Oh! Arnold, my love!
Though I shun you in public,
berating and insulting you,
'tis only to hide
my true feelings of love
and adoration.
(SIGHS)
Oh, when will I
find the strength
to express my strange,
but nearly uncontrollable
affections for you?
Hopefully not today
or tomorrow
because it would be
embarrassing and humiliating.
But perhaps someday
in the distant future.
Yes, someday.
(WHEEZING)
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
What's going on?
It's a wonderful organ grinder
and his beautiful
dancing monkey.
Oh, yeah?
Step aside, sister!
(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)
Doesn't he do anything else?
(COINS CLATTERING)
(CLINKING)
(CHITTERING EXCITEDLY)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Ew! Yuck!
He slobbered all over me.
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
I'm so sorry, little girl.
My monkey,
he's very emotional.
Yeah? Well, you ought to keep
that thing on a leash.
(MONKEY CHITTERING ANXIOUSLY)
(LAUGHS) Oh, that Jughead!
Can't he see that Veronica
has absolutely no interest
in him whatsoever? (LAUGHS)
Man, my arm itches.
Stupid monkey! Gee,
it looks kinda red and puffy.
MR. SIMMONS:
...mere scratch or touch
from a monkey
would cause the victim
to contract
the dreaded disease.
(SCOFFS) Monkeynucleosis!
Yeah, right!
Like I'm really going to turn
into a monkey. (LAUGHS)
(MONKEY CHATTER)
(SCREAMS)
Gee, maybe I better
check this thing out.
Fabled Diseases of Old
Long Since Debunked
by Modern Science.
Eureka!
Monkeynucleosis.
Monkeynucleosis.
Aha!
"Scientifically implausible
symptoms of this
affliction include...
"One, itching and puffiness."
I've got that!
"Two, sweaty palms."
Whew!
"Three, loss of appetite,
four, irritability.
And finally...
"Expiration"!
Well, at least I've only got
one of the symptoms.
(GASPS) Sweaty palms!
The second symptom!
MAN 1: Extra!
City Zoo gets
new monkey cages.
WOMAN: Eddie, watch where
you're going, you big ape!
MAN 2: I told you,
not a socket wrench,
a monkey wrench!
A monkey wrench!
Helga, why aren't you eating?
I just don't have
any appetite.
No appetite?
Oh, I don't understand that.
She's a growing girl, Miriam.
"Loss of appetite."
(GASPS) The third symptom!
Don't read
at the dinner table, Helga.
What is this, anyway?
"Monkeynucleosis."
Oh, yeah.
I think I've heard of that.
It's some crazy old
made-up disease,
turns you into a monkey.
Do you think it's real, Dad?
I don't know.
(PHONE RINGS)
I'm a beeper salesman,
not a scientist.
Big Bob here.
(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY
ON PHONE)
What do you mean
the beepers don't work?
Hey, hey, hey, you signed
a non-refundable contract,
the ink's dried,
that ship has sailed.
PHOEBE:
It does make you think.
What would you do
if you thought you only
had a few days to live?
Respected colleagues,
please do not be shocked
by what you're about to see.
She is the result of a strange
and long since debunked,
but nevertheless
debilitating disease.
Half human...
Half monkey.
Look!
(GASPING)
MAN 1: She's an animal!
MAN 2: Stop!
MAN 1: Animal!
I'm not an animal. I'm a girl.
No! Wait.
(SCREECHING)
Where are you going?
You can't survive out there.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Arnold! Arnold, wait!
Sorry, I...
Do I know you?
It's me, Helga.
There's something
I have to tell you, Arnold.
I...
I love you. I really love you.
I never had the guts
to tell you.
But you're not Helga.
You're a... A monkey.
A monkey girl.
Arnold, I love you.
(CRYING)
Oh, there you are
my little monkey.
Where have you been, huh?
Huh? What are you
talking about?
Come, come. The people,
they're waiting, eh?
Don't worry, my little monkey.
Everything's
gonna be all right.
(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)
Can't she do anything else?
(GASPS) Oh!
"Itching, sweaty palms,
loss of appetite, irr..."
(GASPING)
"Irritability."
Well, at least I
don't have that yet.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi, Helga.
It's me, Phoebe.
Do you know what
our math assignment was?
No, I don't know what
our math assignment was.
Okay, Helga.
You don't have to be
so irritable about it.
(GASPS)
"Irritability"!
The fourth symptom!
That'll lead me
to final stage.
(SHUDDERS)
"Expiration."
Phoebe, as my best friend
in the world,
there's something I need you
to do for me.
(FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYING)
What's the deal, Arnold?
Why did Phoebe ask us all
to come here today?
I don't know, Stinky.
I guess we'll find out
soon enough.
Dear sweet Phoebe,
I want you to have
all my books.
Use them well.
But, Helga,
I don't understand.
Why are you giving away
all your things?
Don't ask.
Just promise me you'll stay
as innocent and carefree
as you are now?
Are you moving?
Is that what
this is all about?
No. No, that isn't it.
But... (SIGHS)
There isn't much time.
Just take my books and go.
Ask Harold to come in next.
Oh! I almost forgot.
Could you return this book
to the library for me?
Maybe it'll help some other
poor kid in the future...
Even if it's... (SNIFFLES)
Too late for me.
Farewell, friend.
"Monkeynucleosis." Hmm.
Oh, Arnold, my love!
Now that
I'm practically expired,
nothing holds me
from expressing my deepest,
darkest secret.
A secret of which
I've so long harbored.
(PLAYS)
This sure is
a right keen paddleball.
And Helga
give it to me special.
I guess
you're the last one, Arnold.
And she gave me
all these goofy,
totally outrageous dresses.
The whole thing's crazy.
And so, Arnold,
now that I'm about to go,
I guess I might
as well tell you.
Tell me what?
All these past years,
while I've berated you
and called you names
like football head
and hairboy and yutz
and paste-for-brains and...
Helga, what's your point?
My point is that I really
don't hate you, Arnold.
In fact, quite the contrary.
In the pit of my heart,
in the depths of my soul,
I truly love...
PHOEBE: Helga, wait!
I know what's going on
and you've got
everything all wrong.
Huh?
You don't have
monkeynucleosis.
Helga, contact with a monkey
isn't really dangerous.
The most
you could possibly get
is a minor skin irritation.
The rest is all in your mind.
You mean I'm not gonna expire?
No, of course not.
The whole idea
is simply ridiculous.
HELGA: That's great!
I'm not gonna expire.
Yes! Yes!
I'm glad
everything's okay, Helga,
but what were you gonna say
that was so important?
Uh, nothing. I was, uh...
I was... Delirious.
And what would I wanna say
to a football head
like you anyway?
Arnold, uh, wait a sec.
Yeah?
Um, I just, uh,
I wanted to tell you that I...
I think you're okay.
Uh, I mean, you're an okay guy
and I just think you're okay.
Thanks, Helga.
You're okay, too.
He thinks I'm okay.
And he touched me.
And I'm not a monkey!