Hmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
How bad is it, Doc?
Well, Helga,
it's a pretty big cavity.
It's going to take a while
to do this filling.
I hate fillings.
I know.
Would you like to use
laughing gas this time?
I don't know.
Does it make you laugh?
(CHUCKLES) Well, you don't
actually laugh, Helga.
Usually, the gas just
makes you feel peaceful
about everything, you know.
No anxieties about
the dental procedure.
About a minute after
we turn off the gas,
you'll be back to normal.
I'll try it.
what could happen?
(GAS HISSING)
DOCTOR: How's the gas?
HELGA: Hey,
this is great, Doc.
I mean, I'm not feeling
anxious about the dental
procedure at all.
(MUFFLED)
This is a-okay with me.
(CHUCKLES)
Everything's fine here, Doc.
You have one happy patient.
Man, I'm feeling goofy.
I'm telling you, Doc,
this Arnold guy,
he's been on my mind
morning, noon and night
for the past six years!
(CHUCKLES)
You don't say.
I mean, think about that.
When you consider
than I am currently
nine years old,
that is fully
two-thirds of my young life.
Is that crazy or what?
Why do I t*rture myself
by keeping it all
a big secret?
Uh-huh,
finishing up here.
What's the sense to that?
Why not just tell Arnold?
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(THUDS)
Hey, why am I
telling you all this?
You don't even
know the guy.
I'll just call
that adorable little
football head right now
and tell him myself.
(DIAL TONE BEEPING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
You have reached the
Sunset Arms boarding house.
If you have a message
for me,
Grandma...
(GRANDMA HUMMING)
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
The boarders or Arnold...
Arnold!
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
...please leave it
at the tone.
(TELEPHONE BEEPS)
Oh, Arnold.
Arnold, it's me, Helga.
Yes, Helga G. Pataki,
the one who worships you.
Yes, wasting the days full
of passionate thoughts of you.
Oh, my angel sweet love.
Oh, how I love...
(BEEPS)
(LAUGHTER)
(HELGA SHRIEKING)
Did you hear
something just now?
No.
(CHUCKLES)
King me.
(GROANS)
Hey, look, Grandpa,
it's Arnold
and Arnold's friend.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, hey, short man.
What's going on?
ARNOLD: Well, our club's
coming over for a meeting
in about half an hour.
We're all putting
together our money
and buying a go-kart.
So, do we have
anything to eat?
How should I know?
Look in the kitchen.
There's nothing
edible out here.
Hey, wait a minute!
Did you move anything?
I never touched a thing.
Oh, Arnold, wait,
don't open that...
Oh!
(ANIMALS GRUNTING)
I can't believe it.
Every time.
GRANDPA PHIL: I was
two moves away from
beating you, doggone pigs!
OSKAR: come on, Grandpa.
Let's take the game inside
and start over.
Start over? I'd beat you.
Admit it, you were running
and you had no place to go.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Within the walls
of that boarding house,
lies an answering machine.
And it contains message
so humiliating
that it must never ever
be heard by human ears.
I must get my hands on it
before that stupid
football head hears it.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRANDMA GERTIE SCATTING)
Now to get inside,
but how?
Campfire Lass. Perfect.
Good morrow
to you, Miss.
Could I interest you
in some chocolate turtles?
Yeah, yeah. Why don't you
show me what you got?
What do you say
we step into my office?
CAMPFIRE LASS:
That's a funny place
for an office.
(GRUNTS)
No! Unhand me!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
GRANDPA PHIL:
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hello, what are you
supposed to be?
What's it look like?
I'm a Campfire Lass.
Eh, you know, uh,
Faith and Begorrah...
Uh, haggis.
Okay.
I supposed you'll be
wanting to sell me
some cookies, then.
Hold on. Hey, Arnold!
Yeah?
Come out here a sec.
Some Scottish girl
is selling cookies.
You want some?
What?
Who was it?
I think it was
a phantom Campfire Lass.
A phone.
But where is the blasted
answering machine?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Hello, yes.
Don't ever surprise me
like that!
Oh... I mean,
how do you do?
I don't believe we have met.
Are you playmate of Arnold?
Uh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
Of course, not.
Then what are you doing
with the boarding house
telephone?
Oh, I was just checking to see
if it's working correctly.
I'm an intern at
public phone school.
Public phone school?
What a crazy town.
(WATER SPLASHING)
Up there.
Eureka.
(CLATTERS)
OSKAR: What are you
talking about? I was winning.
GRANDPA PHIL: You were not.
You were cheating.
OSKAR: I was not cheating.
You're old and you're
losing your mind.
(GASPS)
I have to tell you
things all the time.
Doggone it,
no, you don't!
OSKAR: Hey, Mr. Hyunh,
we couldn't play
checkers downstairs
because of your
stupid jigsaw puzzle.
(GRUNTS)
I must get to that tape
before Arnold does.
GRANDPA PHIL: Set up
that checker board
in the hall here.
I hope you're happy!
MR. HYUNH:
What you talking about?
(ALL ARGUING)
GRANDPA PHIL: You better
believe it, Sharpie.
MR. HYUNH: It's none
of your business.
GRANDPA PHIL:
All right, it's settled.
We'll play on Mr. Hyunh's
kitchen table.
OSKAR: Okay, as long as
he has something to eat.
(DOOR OPENS)
Look, fellers,
I got me a new
glider plane.
Catch it, Harold.
Let me see it.
Come on, throw it over here.
Come on,
throw it to me!
Over here! Over here!
Hey, you guys coming up?
Come on! Let's start
this meeting already.
STINKY: But we're throwing
my new glider plane.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we have the meeting
right here in the hallway?
(ALL AGREEING)
(GRUNT) Why doesn't anybody
I know just show up,
so they can all spend
the rest of their lives
in this hallway?
(PHONE RINGS)
Phoebe, it's Helga.
Listen, this is the mother
of all emergencies.
So what I'm about to ask you
to do, you should just do
and don't ask me why
and don't say you're
not the kind of person
that could actually
do something like this
and just do it, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Stop calling me!
I'm sorry.
(EXHALES) Phoebe.
(HELGA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, that sounds like
that Jolly Olly man!
He should be all the way
across town at this hour.
What a bizarre
turn of events.
ALL: Ice cream!
(CLAMORING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HUMMING)
Oh, look, a message!
(GASPS)
HELGA'S VOICE:
Arnold, it's me, Helga.
Yes, Helga G. Pataki,
the one who worships you...
Oh, this is a long one.
I better write it down.
(RECORDING CONTINUES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(LAUGHTER)
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Arnold,
before I forget,
there was a message for you.
A young lady called.
Really?
(LAUGHS) Really?
ARNOLD: What was her name?
Oh, it was
"H" something.
Hel... Hel...
Gosh, it's on the tip
of my tongue.
Hel...
(RATTLING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, yes, here it is.
Helen of Troy.
Yeah, and Ms. Troy
wanted to tell you
that she was selling
a kind of passion fruit
drink or something.
Huh?
Huh?
You know, I really don't
like telephone solicitations.
Why would you wanna
buy a soft drink over
the phone, I ask ya.
And, you know,
they always seem to call
right at dinner time.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(SCREAMS)
Eureka! The light at
the end of the tunnel.
You did it, Helga, old girl.
You're home free.
(GRUNTS)
(BOYS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(BOYS GASP)
So, about the go-kart...
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(PANTING)
Helga: Finally, I have the tape. Mission accomplished. (She stuffs the tape into her shirt.) My nightmare is over.
(Helga suddenly stops dead in her tracks. Right in front of her is the Campfire Lass, now in her underwear, and this time, she's not alone. Five other girl scouts are with her.)
Campfire Lass: There she is, lasses! She's the ruffian who pilfered me cookies! Get her!
(Helga turns around and runs, screaming. The girl scouts chase her down the street, and the episode ends.)