PRINCIPAL WARTZ: (OVER P.A.)
Attention, students.
Henceforth, and forever,
all lunch activities
will be conducted
during the lunchtime period.
(BELL RINGING)
GERALD: The bell rings
and echoes an empty hall.
Then comes the bounce,
bounce, bouncing
of the red dodgeball.
The cafeteria trays
and silverware
endlessly clatter.
I stand alone in the crowd
and ask myself,
"Does anything really matter?"
BOY: Yeah.
(ALL MURMURING APPRECIATIVELY)
(CLAPPING)
That was very special.
Again, I wanna
welcome everyone
to the opening
of P. S. 118's
afterschool student lounge,
The Cocohut.
You've all been so ambitious
in coming up
with entertainment
for The Cocohut stage
I'm just...
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Well,
I'm frankly overwhelmed.
(EXHALES)
Next up,
Our own
Helga G. Pataki
is going to do
some very special impressions.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Helga, doing impressions?
This I gotta see.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to start off
with an impression
of someone we all know.
It's the first voice
we hear in the morning
coming over the P.A. system,
and it goes
something like this.
(IMITATING PRINCIPAL WARTZ)
Students of P.S. 118,
I have
an important announcement.
Henceforth,
our lunch activities
will be conducted
during the lunchtime period.
(ALL LAUGHING)
She's doing
Principal Wartz.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Thanks for clearing
that one up, Principal Wartz.
And then,
there's Stinky Peterson.
Is it me or is this guy
always a step behind?
(IMITATING STINKY)
I don't get it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What's Principal Wartz
going on about?
I'm all confused.
All I know is
I'm having lemon pudding
on account of lemon pudding's
my favorite pudding.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What's so funny?
Is that supposed
to be me or something?
And then there's
Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.
(GASPS)
The school gossip,
and the self-elected
queen of fashion.
(SCOFFS)
(IMITATING STINKY)
Girls, you will not believe,
what Patsy actually wore
to school today.
A green and blue
plaid jumper
with pink leggings.
Couldn't you just die?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I mean, please,
what'd she do?
Get dressed in the dark?
(ALL LAUGHING)
She got you, Rhonda.
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
HAROLD:
Yes, it does.
Let's see
if you can guess
who this is.
(IMITATING HAROLD)
Ah, Mommy!
I'm scared!
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's Harold.
Hey!
This here is Eugene
walking into class
every morning.
(IMITATING EUGENE)
Hi, everyone!
Gosh, it's a bright,
beautiful, perfect...
Whoa!
(THUDS)
I'm okay.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What a wonderful mimic.
She sounds just like me.
(IMITATING MR. COLLINS)
Now, class, settle down.
Because we're going
to do something
"very special."
We're going to do
something "special"
to show how each
and every one of you
is "special" in his
or her own "special" way.
Who is that?
Is it Mr. Packenham?
Who's she doing?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can you believe Helga?
How could she make
fun of us like that?
Yeah, I didn't think
she was so funny
when she said
I went around
all the time screaming,
"I'm scared. I'm scared.
Help me, Mommy."
(LAUGHS) That sure was funny.
But I didn't think
it was so funny
when she said
I'm always going on
about how lemon pudding's
my favorite kind of pudding.
I thought she was
pretty funny.
Come on, Arnold.
Weren't you offended
by what Helga said?
Not really.
I like the part
when she said
you're obsessed
with what
everybody's wearing.
Oh, so what you're saying is
I'm obsessed
with fashion and style,
and I'm constantly talking
about what everyone else
is wearing?
Well, yeah.
Of course, you think
it was funny, Arnold.
I notice she didn't say
anything mean about you.
ALL: Yeah.
Helga think she's so funny.
Well, if that's
her idea of funny,
then she has
something else
coming to her.
Yeah, yeah,
something else
coming to her.
Yeah, she has
something else
coming to her.
Hey, fellas,
what does she have
coming to her?
Boy, I really knocked
'em dead out there,
didn't I, Phoebs?
Well, I suppose
you captured
certain aspects
of our classmates
in a unique way.
Yeah, like I said,
I knocked 'em dead.
You know, maybe,
I'll go professional.
I'll take my act
on the road.
Play all those comedy clubs
like Hee-Hee's and Hoo-hah's.
What do you think,
Phoebs?
Well, I suppose
it's possible.
I guess we'll be
pretty popular
around school
from now on.
(BELL RINGING)
Hey, Stinkmeister,
how's it going?
I'm not talking
to you,
Helga G. Pataki.
(SCOFFS)
What's with you?
Hiya, Rhonda.
How's tricks?
Oh, I'm sorry, Helga.
I don't have time
to talk to you.
I'm too busy worrying
about what everyone
is wearing.
I don't have any other
thoughts or ideas
in my head.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
so what's your point?
(SCOFFS)
Hey, it's a joke, Rhonda.
Hey, Pinkboy,
pull up a desk,
take a load off.
I can't sit next
to you, Helga.
I might get scared
and scream
and call my mommy!
Huh?
Hey, Helga.
Have you heard
about my love
for lemon pudding?
Lemon pudding.
Lemon pudding.
Lemon pudding.
Oh, that's right.
You have heard about it.
On account of you was
making fun of my love
for lemon pudding
when you was up there
on stage making me look
like a dang fool.
Hey, look,
lemon pudding.
(ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTING)
(SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYS)
I don't get it, Phoebe.
I thought I was such
a big hit at The Cocohut,
but now they're
all ignoring me
like they're mad
or something.
What did I do?
Perhaps your humor
had a little
too much truth to it.
So? They were all laughing.
What's the big deal?
It's true they were laughing,
but I think their feelings
were hurt by your impressions
of them.
I was just telling it
like it is.
It's comedy, Phoebe.
Where's your sense
of humor?
They laughed at each other.
Can't they laugh
at themselves?
Perhaps not.
Try to think how
it would feel
if it were you
being made fun of, Helga?
(SCOFFS) No one
would dare try that.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(IMITATING HELGA)
Out of my way,
Geek bait.
Rhonda's doing Helga!
If you clowns trying
to make fun of me,
you have to answer
to ol' Betsy.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You sound just
like her, Rhonda.
(LAUGHS)
That's pretty good.
I don't sound like that.
Do I?
See, Helga?
RHONDA:
Out of my way,
Geek bait.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, brother.
I make a few jokes
and now everybody hates me.
Perhaps you can
remedy the situation
with a public apology.
Are you crazy?
I think that maybe you need
to ask their forgiveness.
Perhaps in a long-form poem
of a more positive nature.
Huh?
Yes!
Showing each
of our classmates
in a more
optimistic way,
emphasizing
their good attributes.
Something more proactive.
Hey, we're talking
about comedy here.
Those guys don't want
me to be proactive.
They want laughs.
They want your jeans
slipping on a banana peel
and falling down
an open manhole.
I'm serious, Helga.
You need to make
a sincere apology,
and I can help you.
I have some ideas.
What do you say?
(SIGHS) Well, no one's
even speaking to me
at this point.
What have I got to lose?
PHOEBE: Stinky.
Now, what good qualities
can we point out
about him?
Uh, he floats?
Be serious, Helga.
Do you want everyone
to go around snubbing you
and being mad
at you forever?
Okay, okay.
(DRUM ROLL)
Curly, now there's
an original kid.
(SIGHS)
I don't know,
Phoebs.
Do you think
they're gonna go
for this stuff?
I'm positive, Helga.
It's flattering
and entertaining.
When you recite this poem
at The Cocohut,
you'll be
a huge hit.
Come on, just
one more cocochino.
My last one,
I promise.
I'm sorry, Chocolate Boy,
but I'm going to have
to cut you off.
(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)
Can you believe
Helga is actually going
to perform again?
If she makes fun of me,
I'm gonna pound her.
If she starts drawling
about me
and my love
for lemon pudding again,
I'm gonna take
her downtown.
And now please welcome,
Helga G. Pataki
for another unique
and special performance.
Oh, Helga, are you
doing your impression
of that special guy?
You know the one
who says "special"
all the time?
Who is that?
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not going to be doing
any impressions today.
Instead, I'm going to read
a poem about all of you
which emphasizes
your positive attributes,
and I hope
you like it.
"What can I say
about my friends
"Who are pleasant
and loyal till the end?
"There's Harold, Rhonda,
Stinky and Nate.
"And Sid and the Dean,
and gosh, they're all great."
Who's Nate?
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Take Rhonda.
She's a stylish girl,
"One of the nicest
in the world.
"And Arnold
is a thoughtful fellow,
"As smart and kind
as his hair is yellow.
"Stinky is a likable sort.
"He's certainly tall
and his hair is short."
What's she doing?
It's not funny.
It's worse
than not funny.
It's boring.
She's just saying
nice things about everybody
to be... Well, nice.
Where's the comedy?
"Harold is a friend to all.
"He's a kid who's
really on the ball."
Not funny!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
"And Chocolate Boy,
hey, what about him?
"He must love chocolate
as much as we love him."
Come on, just
one more cocochino.
(ALL BOOING)
Nice going, Phoebe.
I'm going over
like a lead balloon.
I'm as perplexed
as you are.
ARNOLD: It's because
it isn't funny.
BOTH: Huh?
Come on, Helga,
you're not acting
like yourself.
Everyone can tell
you were saying
made up nice things
about everybody.
But they hated me
when I was funny.
Do the old stuff,
the funny stuff.
Good afternoon,
ladies and germs.
Did you miss me?
What are you?
An audience
or an oil painting?
Who's out there?
Is that Stinky?
It is Stinky.
I can tell
by the dazed look
on his face.
(SPRINKLED LAUGHTER)
Probably dreaming
about lemon pudding again.
(IMITATING STINKY)
Gosh Almighty,
I sure do love
lemon pudding.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That sounds
just like me.
(CHUCKLES)
And Phoebe...
(IMITATING PHOEBE)
I'd love to play
baseball with you,
however, I find
I must study,
study, study!
As alarming to me,
my average grade
has dropped
to A minus.
(LAUGHING)
And what about Arnold?
Have you noticed
the shape of his head?
I mean, it's really wide.
How does that kid
get through doors,
anyway?
What's with
that little blue hat?
Hey, Arnold,
this just in.
It's about
a million sizes
to small.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And he always wears it,
not in the middle...
Oh, no.
But to one side of his head.
Like a fashion statement.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And speaking
of fashion statements, Arnold.
What is going on
with that kilt?
I wasn't even aware
that we were in Scotland?
Rhonda, you better
write Arnold
a fashion ticket
for that one.
Oh, he's so clever
and optimistic, isn't he?
I mean, haven't you
all heard this?
(IMITATING ARNOLD)
Come on, guys.
If we all pull together
and pool our resources,
I just know
we'll achieve our goal.
(ALL LAUGHING)
We really, really should do it
'cause it's the right thing.
(LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
HELGA: Thank you!
You're a beautiful audience.