JEWELER: Here's your newly
inscribed locket, Ms. Pataki.
"Arnold, my soul.
"You're always
in my heart.
"Love, Helga G. Pataki."
Oh!
And remember, if you so much
as speak a word about
this locket to anyone,
you'll be wearing
your tongue
for a necktie.
Uh, that'll be $19...
95.
Arnold, my soul.
You are always
in my heart.
Love, Helga G. Pataki.
Ew, out of my way,
you filthy pig.
(SNIFFING)
Arnold!
Oh, dear sweet Arnold.
Fortuna has blessed me
with this chance
to hold your likeness
in my hand,
while I spy at
your actual,
beautiful face.
You're so close,
and yet so far,
fate is so...
(GASPS)
(SQUEALING)
What an interesting
specimen.
Talking about me
again, Pookie?
Oh, you remembered!
Yup. Remembered what?
Our anniversary,
you silly goose.
Oh yes, that.
Oh, what
a beautiful picture
of our grandson.
Well, I'm off to
raise the Titanic.
This is the most
wonderful gift.
Oh, Arnold,
you look so handsome.
What?
Oh, Arnold.
Look what your grandma
gave me for
our anniversary.
A picture of me?
Sure is, I love it.
It celebrates my deep
affection for you,
my favorite grandson.
But this clasp here
sure is bedeviling.
Grandpa, I bet Grandma
meant to put
a picture of herself
in the locket.
Don't you think?
Well, I guess
that would make sense.
But then again,
your grandma has,
shall we say,
her own way
of doing things.
Anyway, I love
having your picture
around my neck,
and one day I even
hope to open this
darn clasp here.
MAN: I don't know
nothing about that.
Yoo-hoo, fellas!
Look what I have!
A great new locket
with Arnold's picture
in it!
(SIGHS) Grandpa!
If he opens that locket,
he'll see the inscription
and then tell Arnold!
No, I can't even
think about it!
I have to get
that locket back!
Now, I know this opens
somehow!
What the
Helen of Troy is that?
(GROANS)
Oh, ho! It's only
you, Abner.
Oh, you bottom-feeding
little imp!
(CHUCKLES)
Never a dull moment, Arnold.
Never a dull moment.
(SIGHS)
Okay, that didn't work.
But I can't give up!
I must get that locket!
(SQUEALING)
Oh, no!
Come on, Arnold.
Let's go outside
and get some fresh air.
Hey, Mr. Green.
Look what I have!
A beautiful locket
with Arnold's
picture in it.
Yoo-hoo! Mrs. Vitello.
Look!
He's so handsome in it.
Arnold locket,
over here!
What, no takers?
Okay, then, Arnold.
I'll sit here
and read you
the headlines,
from the National Inspirer.
Hmm. Let's see.
This magnet will
attract the locket,
I'll pull it off
the old man's neck,
and he'll never
even know what happened.
(CHUCKLES)
"Two-foot baby
born with three-foot beard."
Ooh, look,
there's pictures!
Bingo!
Well, what do you
know, Elvis...
(CHOKING)
Ow!
(SQUEALS)
Yuck!
Okay, the magnet
didn't work.
I must get
that locket back.
What the heck was
that all about?
(SQUEALING)
Oh, to be young,
pink and in a hurry.
Grandpa, do you have
to tell everyone
all that stuff?
What stuff?
About the locket.
I really think
you have the wrong picture.
Oh, I don't think so.
Seriously, Grandpa.
If you saw the locket
with Grandma's picture in it,
I bet you'd like it
much better.
But I love
my Arnold locket.
Oh, I plan on
wearing it 24/7.
"24/7"? What's that mean?
Twenty-four hours, seven days
a week.
Yeesh! You're behind
the times.
I have to get that locket
from him and put
Grandma's picture in it.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(MUMBLING)
Good! The old prune
is out like a light.
Now all I gotta do is
sneak over, take the locket,
I'm home-free.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS)
Arnold!
(SNORING)
(MUMBLING)
Side of fries...
(MUMBLES)
Keep 'em coming.
HELGA: This is a nightmare!
Now I have to go
steal the locket
from Arnold!
Why won't it open?
I'll go downstairs
and get some pliers.
Grr!
Hmm, where's
that locket?
I bet it's around
here somewhere.
Ooh, look, a dollar!
(CHUCKLES)
Ow!
Oh, there you are, you!
(KISSES)
Come here,
you dear sweet locket.
Oh, welcome back.
Say, let's go celebrate.
(MUFFLED SHRIEKS)
What the...
Grandpa.
Guess he really
wanted that locket back.
Hey, where's my dollar?
This is a double
freaking nightmare!
Okay, calm down.
Just gotta come up
with a plan.
Something that's
brilliant and foolproof.
Good day.
My name is Bernard Flatts.
I'm a rich antique
art collector,
and I'm looking to rent
a room in a boardinghouse
in this neighborhood.
Oh, boardinghouse, huh?
Boardinghouse...
Well, there's one
on the next block,
it's very nice,
and I know of another
one around the corner...
Hey, wait a minute.
This is a boardinghouse
in this neighborhood!
Come on in,
my name's Phil.
Can I offer you
a loosemeat sandwich?
No, no.
No, thank you.
Say, that's a quite
nice locket you have.
What, this?
Oh, why, thank you.
Oh, I'm very, very
fond of it, you know.
Uh, a locket like that
could be worth
a nice pile of money.
(GASPS) Really?
Oh, yes. Thousands
and thousands.
A locket with my
wonderful grandson
Arnold's picture on it
worth thousands
of dollars?
Oh, I'm over the moon!
Would you mind
if I had a closer look?
Well, no,
I don't see why not.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You're a real expert,
right?
Oh, yes, definitely.
I'm definitely
an expert.
What the heck
was that?
I'll ask the questions
around here.
Ahem. May I please
just see the locket?
Well, uh, okay.
Could you... I...
So, is it worth thousands?
Is it priceless?
Am I rich?
What do you think?
Uh, I think...
I'm outta here!
(LAUGHS)
So long, sucker!
Why, you!
Ow!
Ho-ho, got ya!
You two-timing,
swindling thief,
imposter of a charlatan!
That locket's just
a cheap piece of junk!
It's worth nothing.
Oh, yeah?
Well, so are you!
And you forgot
your mustache!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Okay, so maybe that's it.
Maybe I'll never
get the locket back.
It's not that bad.
I can live without it.
So my deep, dark
secret is revealed
and my life is
an open book
and my love for Arnold
becomes public knowledge,
and I'm ridiculed,
mocked, taunted
and jeered at.
What's so bad about that?
I can live without it.
What was I thinking?
Live without it,
that's crazy talk!
I have got to get
that locket back now!
ARNOLD: Grandpa,
I don't like you
wearing that locket.
It's embarrassing
and weird.
Interesting, but how
do you really feel?
I really think
Grandma's picture should
be in the locket instead.
All right, Arnold,
if it really bugs you
that much,
I'll make a deal with you.
I'll wear Grandma's picture
in the locket for one day,
and we'll see
how it goes. Deal?
Deal.
Oh, damn it, this
stupid clasp...
I'm gonna open this
if it's the last thing I do.
Arnold, we're going
to the basement.
It's time to apply
the major hardware.
(GASPS)
Well, let's get
started, Arnold.
Pliers, hand saw,
t-square,
compass, soda...
Sander, router, phaser,
sandwich...
Yeah, that's it.
Well, short man,
the wall's empty.
ARNOLD: What about that one?
Oh, that?
That's my grandpa's
shishka-bob stick.
No one's touched that
since his last barbecue,
July 16, 1926.
I have a feeling
that's exactly
what we need.
A barbecue?
No. The shishka-bob
stick.
Okay, I'll hold
the locket
and you try
to pry it open.
GRANDPA: We did it!
Ahh! I'm blind!
ARNOLD: Grandpa,
the lights went out.
GRANDPA: Ah!
The lights went out.
And I'm blind!
ARNOLD: I'll find
the circuit breaker.
GRANDPA: Yes, Arnold,
be my eye.
Oh, ho-ho!
I can see again!
It's a miracle.
Hey, wait.
Where the heck's
my locket?
Arnold, did you take it?
No.
Well, we're the only
two down here.
I know, maybe
Abner took it.
Maybe, but do you think
Abner could also
turn off the lights?
Yes, yes I do.
Come on, Grandpa.
Yeah, you're right.
That stupid pig's smart,
but probably not
that smart.
Must be around
here somewhere.
Maybe I dropped it.
Or someone took it!
Grandpa, who would
care so much about it
that they'd come up
with a plan to steal it?
Probably someone
who's nuts.
(SIGHS) Well, I guess
it's lost forever.
I got an idea, Grandpa.
Why don't I make you
another locket?
I could put
Grandma's picture in it.
GRANDPA: Well, okay.
But instead of your grandma,
could it be a picture
of Hedy Lamarr?
Sure.
No, wait.
How about
a picture of a big
roast beef sandwich?
No, wait!
A picture of Hedy Lamarr
eating a roast beef
sandwich!
ARNOLD: Grandpa.
At last!
I've got it!
My nightmare
is over!
Oh, my sweet boy!
I'm so glad you're back!
Never again will
I allowest you
out of my grasp!
(GASPS)
Come back here,
you filthy pig!
Come back! Come back!
(SQUEALS)