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(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Okay, class, I hope all of you will pay particular attention
to chapter 12 when we discover the wonderful world of parallelograms.
That's kind of hard to say.
Oh, Arnold!
Sweet prince, how I love you.
And though I may hide my true feelings,
I pray that one day you will know that I love...
Oh, boy, it's 2:00, and you know what that means.
It's time for history!
For the next hour we will start work
on our Lewis and Clark dioramas.
Now, we already picked our teams yesterday.
So, teams, just join your desks together and we'll get started.
At last, my love, the history project.
After weeks of Machiavellian scheming,
I've arranged to work side-by-side with you
on the Lewis and Clark diorama.
Oh! What an expedition it will be.
Arnold, darling, hand me that brush, would you?
Yes, angel. There's a love.
And Helga? Yes, my love?
Helga?
Yes, my... Helga?
I mean, what? What are you looking at, football head?
I was just asking you to move your desk.
Yeah, yeah. Just don't crowd me, okay?
Hmm, man, Phoebe, we drew the short straws on this team.
Look at the clowns we have to work with.
Football head and tall hair boy.
I am quite looking forward to working with Arnold and Gerald, Helga.
(SCOFFING) I'd rather have a root canal.
Okay, listen up, boys, I got dibs on the paints,
Phoebe is gonna make the Native Americans.
I've got costume designs for the Mandans,
the Chinook, and of course, my favorite Shoshone,
Sakaggawaya.
I could have sworn it was Sacagawea.
Whatever. That leaves buffalo and assorted fauna for you two.
So, hop to it.
ARNOLD: I'd like to do some of the painting, too.
I am in charge of paint.
I'm in charge of the background.
You make buffalo, savvy?
Make your own buffalo.
You are making the buffalo, Arnoldo.
I am not making the buffalo, Helga.
Pretty good buffalo, Arnold. Thanks.
HELGA: You call that blob a buffalo?
You are gonna have to do better than that
if it's going in my diorama, football head.
You stink! I can't believe I got stuck working with you!
(GRUNTING)
MR. SIMMONS: Who needs assistance with paint or glue?
Who needs scissors? No, not you, Harold.
Did everyone bring a box?
I've got an oatmeal box here and a big bottle of glue...
Oh, someone's got the box of feathers.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Hey, look. Arnold is a bird.
(ALL LAUGHING)
GERALD: (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Look at you, Arnold.
You gotta get back at her.
What would that prove?
I think it's better just to ignore her.
That doesn't seem to be working, Arnold.
HELGA: Hey. Look up.
Now, look down.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, that's a good one.
Stepped right in it, and now look at him. What a maroon.
Feathers on his butt, gum on his shoe,
he's k*lling me!
(SIGHING RUEFULLY)
Ah, yes. Laugh, Helga, laugh.
Yet, it is a hollow sound.
(EXCLAIMING SORROWFULLY) Arnold, what is wrong with me?
I scheme for weeks for the chance to be beside you,
and this is how I show my joy?
By gluing feathers to your butt?
Oh, Arnold,
would that you could see through this vain disguise,
and realize that my cruelties
are merely a lost and lonely soul's cry for attention?
Yes. And love.
Alas!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(YOWLING) (BARKING)
GRANDMA: Hi-ya!
Hi, Grandma.
Oh, grasshopper.
How was school? Terrible.
There's this girl at school who won't stop bugging me.
Hi-ya!
She's driving me crazy.
Hi-ya!
I'm really fed up, Grandma.
I wish I knew what to do.
I have no idea why a little girl would behave like that.
What were you like when you were a little girl, Grandma?
Well, I think, I was quite sweet.
Well, I can't remember anything before last week, actually.
(SIGHING SADLY)
Just remember, Arnold,
violence is not the answer.
Hi-ya!
Thanks, Grandma.
I'll keep that in mind.
Is that you, short man?
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, bad day?
Uh-huh.
Your little classmate picking on you again?
The one with the big pink bow and one eyebrow?
Yeah, why does she always pick on me, Grandpa?
Sounds like maybe she likes you, Arnold.
Helga? Are you kidding?
Come on, Arnold!
She always picks on you in particular.
Sometimes I see her jumping rope
in front of the house like she was waiting for you to come out or something!
Yeah, so she can call me "football head,"
and "yutz," and "paste for brains."
You see, that's my point.
That's crazy, Grandpa.
She hates me.
You know, when I was your age,
I had the same kind of girl trouble, myself.
Really?
Give me one of them cookies and I'll tell you a story.
No, not that one.
Ahh, yes, oatmeal raisin.
Back in the '20s,
there were only twelve of us kids
in the whole grade school.
But, there was one girl in particular,
that gave me no end of trouble.
Went by the name of Gertie.
That Gertie was downright impossible!
Always calling me names.
Move it, chin boy, I'm walking here.
(BOTH GRUMBLING)
Always making fun of my batting stance
when we played stickball.
(LAUGHING)
Look at that motion.
You swing like a little Nancy boy.
You couldn't swing your way out of a paper bag!
(LAUGHING)
Strike three!
Everywhere I turned, she was pulling some prank.
(SHRIEKING) (LAUGHING)
Somehow, she always managed to get me blamed for it.
It was Philip who did it, Mrs. Crenshaw,
Ow!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, I got quite a whacking for that one.
Wow, that's exactly what I've been going through.
Uncanny, isn't it, Arnold?
What did you do about Gertie, Grandpa?
Well, I asked my father for advice.
What did he say? "Never eat raspberries."
The only advice I ever got from him.
Good advice, actually. That's it?
I need some real advice, Grandpa.
Did you try ignoring her?
Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been doing my whole life.
Maybe, you could skip town and change your identity.
Grow a beard and open a blacksmith shop.
Nah, that's no good, is it?
Well, follow your instincts, Arnold, that's what I did.
Did it work?
GRANDMA: Dinner!
GRANDPA: Watermelon again, Pookie?
Hai! Oh, my stomach.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh, my love.
Another day, a clean slate,
another chance to get along with you.
Today I will try to be kind.
This is my solemn vow.
(GULPS)
That's a...
A nice buffalo there, Arnold.
Huh? Thanks, Helga.
I mean, yeah, if you wanna call
that pathetic little blob a buffalo.
MR. SIMMONS: Class, see me if you need any more paint.
I've got plenty of yellow for the great plains of Dakota.
You got any purple for my mountain majesties?
Arnold
- (fighting over the can of paint with Helga) Come on, Helga. Let me paint something.
Helga
- Forget it, Buffalo Boy. I'm doing the painting, not you!
Arnold
- (filled with anger) Give me the paint.
Helga
- You want the paint? Here! (lets go of the can)
(The paint falls on Arnold's shirt)
Arnold
- Hey!
(Arnold, really peeved and under rage, throws paint right back at Helga as she shrieks. The whole class and Mr. Simmons are all shocked at this)
Mr. Simmons
- Good heavens! Arnold! (Arnold, feeling guilty, turns to Mr. Simmons) Arnold, this is so not like you. As much as it hurts me, I'm—- I'm afraid I'm gonna have to give you detention for this.
(LAUGHING)
Here is Gertie rolling me in honey
and staking me out on top of an anthill.
Oh, that mischievous, pig-tailed, little imp.
Ah, mercy. Hi, Grandpa.
Well, if it isn't young Arnold home from his day at school.
How come you're all covered in paint?
Helga poured it on me, so I poured some on her.
What? You... Oh, my word!
You've snapped, Arnold!
You've turned into a vicious paint-pouring thug.
I don't know what to think about you anymore.
Why didn't you follow your instincts like I told ya?
I did, Grandpa.
I wasn't talking about those instincts,
I meant your good ones.
(SIGHING) I know, Grandpa, I feel terrible.
What should I do? Well,
you may be stuck with this girl for a long time,
so you better try and make peace.
Yeah, I'm gonna call Helga and apologize.
(CAT SCREECHING)
HELGA: Oh, Arnold. (SNIFFLING)
What havoc have I wrought,
forcing you to behave so badly?
Where is my kind, thoughtful, generous Arnold?
The boy who always turned the other cheek?
Gone forever. Alas!
Hey, Helga, you in there?
It's your little friend, Alfred, on the phone.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Arnold? Calling me?
At my house?
Yeah, Arnold. Whatever.
Anyway he's on the phone for ya.
(EXHALES) Hello?
Helga? It's Arnold.
HELGA: What do you want?
I just want to say
that I'm sorry about the paint.
I guess I just snapped.
I was thinking, maybe we could forget about today,
and, well, agree to be nicer to each other.
Oh! Arnold!
So kind. So just. So moral.
You couldn't help but return to the ways I know and love.
(THUDS)
ARNOLD: Helga? Are you there?
Yeah, an agreement, that sounds great.
I'll have my people call your people, and we'll draw up the papers.
Yeah, in your dreams, football head!
Like I'm ever gonna agree with you about anything!
And don't ever call me at my house ever again!
Ever!
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, that takes care of that.
Oh, yeah.
She's off your back forever, short man.
Now, go upstairs and change out of those clothes.
It's almost dinnertime, and you got paint all over ya.
(LAUGHS)
Ah, youth.
Isn't that sweet?
Oh, what an adorable little girl I was back then.
Yep, and you still got it, Pookie.
Aw.
Did you make watermelon for dinner, again?
What's your point? Oh, no, Pookie, you did,
didn't you? Don't start with me.
You did! Just say you did.