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- The setting is at PS 118, it's just after lunch time, and we see a mysterious hand covered with peanut butter pull a fire alarm in the hallway, and drop a pencil. The kids gasp in fright because of the loudness of the bells and the thought of a fire.
- Sid
- FIRE!!! FIRE!!!
- (Kids are screaming, running out of the school.)
- Principal Wartz
- Stop, stop, it's a false alarm! Wait until I get my hands on the kid who pulled that alarm...
- (Wartz quickly walks back into the building, fingers the peanut butter on the pull station, and tastes it. We then see him follow footprints leading into the Janitor's closet where we find Eugene hiding and grinning embarrassedly. The scene changes to the cafeteria where it's a mock courtroom. Principal Wartz is the judge banging a gavel.)
- Principal Wartz
- Eugene Horowitz, you have been caught red-handed in the pulling of the fire alarm, a most serious offense.
- Eugene
- But I didn't do it. (The kids snicker; Helga cackles the loudest and makes a slashing motion on her throat.)
- Stinky
- What my client is trying to say is, he didn't do it, your honor.
- Principal Wartz
- Now according to the bylaws of this school district, you can only be be expelled after being found guilty by a jury of your student peers.
- Stinky
- (whispering to Eugene) Face it, Eugene. You're going to fry.
- Eugene
- I didn't do it. (Kids keep laughing.) Bye, Eagle scouts. (Eugene puts his head down in shame.)
- (Cut to the outside of the school library. Inside, there's Arnold, Gerald, Harold, Helga, Curly, and Phoebe. They are taking a vote on if Eugene is guilty, or innocent.)
- Helga
- Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty (reads a piece of paper) Fudgy Nut nutbar?
- Harold
- It's on the back Madam Fortress mommy!
- Helga
- Oh. Guilty, and Not Guilty?
- (the kids figure out what's going on)
- Helga
- Alright, who's the bonehead?
- Phoebe
- Helga, our notes are supposed to be secret.
- Helga
- Yeah, right, Phoebe. Quit kidding around and change your vote so we can get out of here. I got tickets to Wrestlemania.
- Harold
- And I'm hungry!
- Curly
- Yeah, come on! Let's get this over with!
- (the kids are still figuring out what's going on)
- Gerald
- Huh? Not guilty?
- Arnold
- Phoebe didn't vote Not Guilty. I did.
- Helga
- You? why?
- Harold
- Why'd ya do it ?
- Arnold
- Well I'm not convinced. He could be innocent.
- Helga
- Yeah, and little green aliens could be building an advanced civilization inside my nose! Come on, Arnold!
- Arnold
- No, really, I think there's reasonable doubt that Eugene pulled the fire alarm.
- Helga
- What?! You gotta be kidding me! I'll never get out of here on time.
- Arnold
- Come on, what's more important, our petty little pleasures, or making sure that our classmate gets a fair trial?
- (The kids are in uproar)
- Arnold
- Look, the least we could do is go over the evidence again, we owe it to Eugene.
- (The kids groan in frustration)
- Helga
- Fine. If the Football Head wants to go through the evidence, again, then we'll go through the evidence, again. But if I miss Wrestlemania, it's gonna be your butt! Harold, you start.
- Harold
- But I'm hungry (Harold's stomach rumbles).
- Helga
- (Helga goes into her lunchbox and takes out a banana) Here's a banana. Get started.
- Harold
- Okay, well, here's why it had to be Eugene. It was just after lunch and we was all coming out of the cafeteria. I remember, ' cause I just finished my third pudding pack, and I wasn't as hungry as I usually am...
- Helga
- Get on with it, pink boy!
- Harold
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, okay. Anyways, according to the testification of Squeaky Peterson, just before the fire alarm was pulled, she "observified" Eugene... walking right by the fire alarm! It was at that moment that someone, unknown as to the rest of us, but definitely not ME, you guys, pulled Squeaky's right pigtail HARD, "detracting" her. And while Squeaky was "detracted," someone pulled the fire alarm! And who was right there? Who? WHO?! No one else but -- (eats banana, but then chokes)
- Helga
- Out of the way! I'm a certified CPU. (she gets the banana out of Harold by kicking his back and it whacks into Curly's face)
- Harold
- Oh, that's better.
- Helga
- What Monkey-boy here is trying to say is that Eugene had the opportunity.
- Arnold
- So Eugene had the opportunity, Helga. So what? There are lots of kids there. They all had the same opportunity!
- Helga
- Well, how many kids head peanut butter smeared all over 'em? His hands were covered with it! So was the fire alarm!
- Arnold
- Peanut butter is not proof of anything.
- Helga
- What about the glasses, the footprints?!
- Arnold
- Slow down! Let's look at all the evidence, one thing at a time.
- Helga
- Fine! Who wants to talk about the evidence?
- Phoebe
- I believe I took good notes on that, Helga.
- Helga
- Then spill it, sister and make it snappy. It's not every day that Bloated Bill wrestles Haystack Calhoun, and I'm not going to miss it.
- Phoebe
- I believe that we already established that the peanut butter smeared on the fire alarm was of the same style: creamy, as Eugene usually eats. Although he testified he has also enjoyed Chunky on ocasions, though usually when his mom was out of Creamy, but we all know that-
- Helga
- Phoebe! While we're young, please! I'm surrounded.
- Phoebe
- (sing-song voice) Hurrying. Um, In addition to the peanut butter evidence, a pair of eyeglasses were found a few feet from the scene of the crime. A few minutes after the fire alarm, the students were allowed to re-enter the building. It was at this point, the eyeglasses in question were discovered by our classmate Sid.
- Sid
- (in flashback) Hey, these appear to be Eugene's. Look everybody, Eugene's glasses! (Sid hands the glasses over to Principal Wartz) Boy-howdy, Eugene is gonna fry!
- Principal Wartz
- (Principal Wartz inspects the glasses) Hmm. These are Eugene's glasses, huh...
- Phoebe
- Since the eyeglasses which have been positively identified as belonging to Eugene's were discovered next to the fire alarm; and since it was a Tuesday and on Tuesdays Eugene HAS to wear his glasses-
- Helga
- Get to the footprints, brainiac!
- Phoebe
- Footprints were found leading up to the fire alarm and leading to a nearby broom closet. They were of the same size and unusual make of Eugene's distinctive sandals. And finally, a pencil stub with the word "Wankyland" was found outside the broom closet. Therefore in conclusion, it-
- Helga
- Appears that Eugene is guity as sin! Come on Arnold, peanut butter on the fire alarm, glasses on the floor, footprints from some fancy sandals. Criminey, what more evidence do you need?
- Gerald
- Hey Arnold, Helga's right, man. I mean, face it, Eugene was hiding in the broom closet.
- Helga
- Exactly! What Geraldo here is trying to say is that Eugene was caught in the act of fleeing from the scene of the crime.
- Gerald
- Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it. (flashback accompanies his story) Now, I think a minute after the above-mentioned heinous crime... (Eugene laughs in a strange voice) Eugene must've figured that he could hide in the broom closet, until all the kids ran past, but he accidentally locked himself in!
- Eugene
- (in flashback) Hello? Could someone please let me out?
- Gerald
- And THAT's where the Principal found him, about a minute later! (flashback ends) So therefore Arnold, we can conclude, that Eugenei is not exactly a criminal mastermind, but that he DID get caught fleeing from the scene. He's guilty, man.
- Arnold
- So he was in a closet. We found Eugene locked in closets before. Look, you guys, I'm not saying Eugene couldn't have done it. I'm just saying I still have reasonable doubt.
- Helga
- What?! Oh, come on Arnold, Eugene's guilty three ways to Sunday! You know it, I know it, the American People know it! How could you possibly be having doubts?!
- Arnold
- Hey, it makes just as much sense as anything else. Okay, here's my version. (flashback begins) Maybe when he was eating lunch, someone distracted him from his peanut butter sandwich...
- Weird Kid
- Hey, Melvin.
- Eugene
- Who, me?
(A hand fingers some peanut butter from the sandwich.)
- Arnold
- Later, when Eugene was going to class, he could have tripped just like he does every other day for one reason or another. (Curly, with his face obscured, trips him and Eugene's glasses fall off.)
- Eugene
- I'm fine. (sees everything all blurry)
- Curly
- (disguised voice) Here, I'll help you!
- Eugene
- Thanks. Must've been a bump in the hallway there. I lost my balance and I can't see a thing without my glasses, of course.
- Curly
- No problem. (the alarm gets pulled, Eugene is shoved into the closet, and we see the hand drop the pencil, the flashback ends...)
- Arnold
- You see what I mean? Every single piece of evidence could've been set up. And there's even one piece of evidence that couldn't have possibly have come from Eugene.
- Helga
- And what kind of evidence is that, Head Boy?
- Arnold
- The Wanky Land pencil! (he stabs it in a chocolate bar and Curly breaks his own pecil) Everyone knows Eugene. He's been in more accidents this year alone than all of us combined. And everyone knows that Eugene was banned last fall from Wanky Land when he tripped off the bandstand and caused the whole Thanksgiving Day parade to crash! Anyway, even though he loves Wanky-Land, it's not likely that he'd have one of their pencils, since he hasn't been near there since.
- (Curly gulps nervously)
- Arnold
- So why would Eugene have a Wanky Land Pencil? Because someone planted it outside the broom closet with a motive to frame him, that's why. And who has that motive? Someone who hates Eugene. Someone who has reason to harm him. Someone... (Echoing) Someone, someone --
- Curly
- Okay, okay, I did it! I confess, I planted the peanut butter, I made the shoeprints, I left the glasses at the scene of the crime!
- Arnold
- But why, Curly?
- Curly
- Because 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days ago, Eugene had borrowed my favorite pencil. The pencil I got last summer at Wanky Land - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene... sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING!!! (Eugene laughs maniacally as he sharpens the pencil like a buzzsaw!) and then when he finally gives it back to me, he says "Oh here, Curly"... like it was no, big, deal! (screams like a girl) I couldn't just take that lying down. I had to do something. So I got this plan, see -- the fire alarm. I'd pull it, and then I'd frame Eugene for the crime! All I needed to do was plant the right clues. The peanut butter, the glasses and to top it all off, the pencil! Bingo! He'd be branded for life! (laughs diabolically)
- (the scene changes back into the Cafeteria/Courtroom)
- Principal Wartz
- In light of recent evidence and at the request of the student jury, the court finds Eugene... innocent!
- (the kids cheer)
- Stinky
- I never lost faith in you, Eugene.
- Gerald
- You know, Arnold, not too many kids would have stood up to the whole jury like you did.
- Arnold
- I had to do it, Gerald.
- Gerald
- You're a booold kid. (he and Arnold make their signature handshake.)
- Principal Wartz
- So you admit you pulled the fire alarm?
- Curly
- (dementedly) Thaaat's riiiight! I DID IT!! I PULLED the FIRE ALARM!!! And I'd do it again too... see? (Curly laughs like a lunatic as we hear him pull the fire alarm stations and the alarm rings.)
- Principal Wartz
- Stop that!
(End of transcript)