Eating Contest/Transcript

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Scene 1: The Street

Mr. Green

Back it up, little more, careful there. What do you think, boys? (opens the truck) It's 40-foot kielbasa.

Arnold

4 days till the food festival.

Gerald

(drinking soda) The neighborhood really got into it this year.

Mr. Green

Here's your badge, Oskar. Don't forget, you're a judge in the eating contest.

Oskar

Yeah, sure, right, but I'd get to eat everything I want, right?

Mr. Green

Sure, no problem! So boys, I hope you'll be at the eating contest, too.

Grandpa Phil

Course they will! They'll be there Saturday night with bells on.

Scene 2: The Sunset Arms Dining Room

(Arnold and the borders have pie.)

Arnold

I don't get it, what's the big deal? Why even have an eating contest?

Grandpa Phil

Ho-ho, you'll win for sure, Shortman, it runs in the family. No one in our line has ever fail to distinguish themselves in the neighborhood eat off.

Arnold

You mean it's a family tradition?

Grandpa Phil

It sure is! C'mon, Arnold, I wanna show ya something.

Scene 3: Grandpa Phil's Room

(Grandpa holds up his trophy he won in 1929.)

Grandpa Phil

Ho-ho, winning the eating contest was the proudest day of my life. (We see a flashback of Phil as a kid at the Great Eat Off) It was the Great Eat Off in 1929. My father had trained me for a week.

(Young Phil in the pie eating contest sees his father giving him a thumbs up.)

Judge

Final round, eaters ready. Grab your forks and (shooting his flag) eat!

(Young Phil and the other kids eat the pies rapidly. After the other kids fail, young Phil wins and the audience cheer. His father smiles with tears in his eyes.)

Young Phil

(holding his trophy) Father, you have tears in your eyes. Why, Father?

Phil's Father

Because I'm so proud of the way you eat, son!

(We transition back to the present.)

Grandpa Phil

(hugging his trophy) So you see, Arnold, eating masked quantities of food in an arena while a crowd cheers you on is our family's blood.

Arnold

I don't know, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil

Course you do, an eating contest is nothing but fun! I loved it when I was a kid. You're a kid, you'll love it, too. (holds up his wallet) Plus, I've taken bits from everyone in the neighborhood. (flips through a money of dollars) There's a lot of money riding on ya, boy.

Arnold

But, Grandpa...

Grandpa Phil

But nothing! You'd better get some rest, it's after 8 o'clock! Remember, you're in training. What are you doing up? Now off to bed now. Night, Arnold.

(Arnold leaves Grandpa's room while Grandpa closes the door.)

Scene 4: P.S. 118 Cafeteria

Arnold

So then, my grandpa tells me the whole history of our family and his eating contest.

Gerald

Sounds like you're in, huh?

Arnold

(taking out his sandwich from his lunch bag) I guess so. He really wants me to wain.

Harold

Ha, you can't win! I can eat way more than you can. Look.

(Harold eats three tacos and a jar of pickles.)

Stinky

Watch this, Harold.

(Stinky eats his hamburger and Arnold eats his sandwich on a roll.)

Helga

(laughing) You guys are all pathetic. You called that eating? You don't stand a chance. The contest Saturday has already won.

Arnold

What are you talking about, Helga?

Helga

I'm talking about the guy I've gotten my money on. I'm talking about Seymour. No one cat out eat him.

Gerald

Seymour? Who's that?

Helga

He's only an eating legend, Hair Boy.

Gerald

Wait a minute, I know my legend and I've never heard of a kid named Seymour.

Helga

Well then, I suggest you go over to P.S. 119's neighborhood and ask around.

Scene 5: The Street

Gerald

Hey, anybody know where we can find Seymour?

Jolly Olly Man

Seymour? You mean The Disposal?

Gerald, Arnold, Stinky and Harold

The Disposal?!?

Jolly Olly Man

What do think you're looking at?!? He's right in there, you little clowns. Oh-ho, he ain't wondered of the world.

(The boys look in the window and see Seymour in the ice cream parlor.)

Harold

Ooh, I'm the big hungry disposal.

(Harold, Stinky and Gerald laugh. Seymour snaps his finger and the waitress serves him four ice cream sundaes, two cupcakes and one pie. Seymour eats the desserts all up.)

Jolly Olly Man

They say he's always hungry and he knows how to pace himself and there's a rumor that he has two stomachs. (Seymour snaps his finger and the waitress takes the tray away while another waitress serves him more desserts.) Life pity is a poor sucker who could beat him. (laughing) Who's laughing now?

(The Jolly Olly Man gets back in his ice cream truck while laughing and driving away.)

Gerald

You still want to go through with this?

Arnold

I don't know, I'm not sure what I should do. I'll go talk to Grandpa.

Scene 6: The Sunset Arms' Living Room

(Grandpa sleeps in his chair and Arnold opens the door.)

Arnold

Grandpa? Grandpa, I've been thinking about this eating contest and I hate to disappoint you but...

Grandpa Phil

(sleepily) Arnold, be in the contest. Win the contest, my fondest wish. I know you can do it, boy. Eat, eat. Oh, I'm so proud of, you boy. So proud.

Arnold

I can't let him down. That would really hurt him.

(Arnold leaves the room and closes the door but Grandpa wakes up.)

Grandpa Phil

(laughing) Oh boy, my fit nap plan worked perfectly. (Arnold arrives back.) Hey Arnold, is that you lurking? I was dead asleep. I'm still... (yawning) ...I'm just waking up. Hey, it's training time for that eating contest! What do you say, Shortman?

Arnold

OK, Grandpa, let's do it.

Scene 7: The Sunset Arms Kitchen

Grandpa Phil

(holding his stop watch) Now pace yourself and go!

(Arnold eats pancakes.)

Scene 8: The Sunet Arms Hallway

Grandpa Phil

Go, Arnold, go! Eat through the pain.

Scene 9: The Sunset Arms Kitchen

(Abner eats jello.)

Grandpa Phil

Study how he does it, Arnold. Pace yourself, swallow often, just like Abner.

Scene 10: The Sunset Arms Hallway

(Arnold vomits in the toilet and arrives back.)

Grandpa Phil

Mmm, it's lobster bisque, mmm.

(Arnold goes back in the bathroom and vomits in the toilet again.)

Scene 11: Arnold's Room

(Arnold and Grandpa finish off the ice cream sundaes.)

Grandpa Phil

Well, well, there's nothing like a double deluxe ice cream sundae to celebrate your successful training. Tomorrow's the big day. Better get some shuteye. Now, when you're sleeping, you have to think about food, lots and lots of food.

(Arnold sleeps in bed.)

Scene 12: Arnold's Room The Next Morning

Grandpa Phil

Wake up.

Arnold

(in bed) What's that smell?

Grandpa Phil

Ooh, a delicious herring sandwich. Well, I'd offer you some but you can't have a single bite, not until the contest. Now up and at 'em, it's the Block Party Festival of Food Fiesta Day!

Scene 12: The Block Party Food Festival

(The bakers take out pies from their truck. Sid practices his boxing gloves and Stinky jumps rope. Oskar as the judge eats a Shish kebab from the barbecue.)

Mr. Green

What are you doing, Oskar? You're supposed to be a judge.

Oskar

That's what I'm doing; I'm judging the Shish kebab.

(Oskar eats a shish kebab and laughs but Mr. Green leaves him.)

Grandpa Phil

Say, uh, who's the favorite in the eating contest, Oskar?

Oskar

Well personally, I like that shrimpy kid. (pointing to Seymour) I'm betting all my money on him.

(Seymour eats meatballs on a stick.)

Grandpa Phil

(gasps) Mama Loney!

Gerald

(eating a sausage sandwich) Mmm. Man, this is good. You sure you don't want some?

Arnold

No, thanks. Grandpa says all I can have is water until the contest begins.

Grandpa Phil

Oh, my Otis Spear what I saw, boys! Not a child at all, I tell ya, but some kind of, of eating machine! I've never seen anything like it!

Gerald

Oh, you mean that Disposal?

Oskar

There's no way you can beat him, Arnold. You'll die, trying. (eating chicken)

Grandpa Phil

Maybe this no-good Knick nitty's right for once, Arnold. Maybe you'd better give up.

Arnold

No, Grandpa, I won't give up. I've got to win that contest. The honor of the family name depends on it. Plus, for the first time in days, I'm really, really hungry.

Grandpa Phil

Now you're talking, Shortman! Go get 'em! (Arnold leaves and enters the tent) Oh, that fool, that boy misguided brave little fool.

(Grandpa Phil and Gerald enter the tent to sit down. Arnold puts on the napkin while sitting down with Harold, Stinky, Sid, Brainy and Curly.)

Mr. Green

Are all the competitors here?

(Seymour arrives while eating pizza while everyone gasps and he sits down with the other boys.)

Mr. Green

OK, remember for one rule, eat as much as you can till you can't anymore. Ready? (ringing the bell) The annual eating contest has officially begun. (to Jamie O and Coach Wittenberg) Bring in the first dish! Tacos from El Patio.

(Jamie O and Coach Wittenberg brings in tacos.)

Harold

(eating the first taco) Mmm, I love this contest. I love eating. (eats the second taco but stops) Wait. (groans) Oh, I think I ate too fast. Oh, my belly hurts. (screams) AAAAAAAH! MOMMY, HELP ME! (running away)

Grandpa Phil

Well, he just took two bites.

Mr. Green

(ringing the bell) Grandma's stuffed bell peppers.

(The rest of the boys, including Arnold and Seymour, eat Grandma's peppers until Stinky faints.)

Helga

What have your Grandma's stuffed with these, Football Head? Socks?

Grandpa Phil

(to Arnold) Hey, that recipe was a secret!

Marty Green

(ringing the bell) Souvlaki from Gino's Souvlaki Stand.

(Sid faints.)

Marty Green

(Ringing the bell) Mrs. Johanssen's special Caesar salad.

(Arnold, Seymour, Brainy and Curly eats Gerald's mother's Caesar salad but Brainy falls off while getting a headache.)

Mr. Green

(ringing the bell) My owning treat, a delicious garlic kielbasa rolled in cabbage.

Grandpa Phil

Pace yourself, Arnold. Eat through the pain.

(Curly collapses after eating kielbasa.)

Mr. Green

Only Arnold and Seymour remain.

(Everyone cheers.)

Gerald

Just one more dish after this! You're doing great!

Mr. Green

(ringing the bell) And now the final stage, dessert. (Everyone gasps.) Ice cream from the Jolly Olly Man!

(The Jolly Olly Man laughs evilly. Seymour rubs his hands evilly, too, while seeing the giant ice cream cake.)

Grandpa Phil

I know you can do it, Arnold.

Arnold

I've reached the end, Grandpa. I have limits. I'm only 9.

(Seymour eats the ice cream cake.)

Grandpa Phil

9-year-olds love cake! Arnold, remember family tradition and a 50 bucks I've prizing on this thing.

Arnold

(to Seymour) Wow, I can't beat that. You really are the Disposal. How are you feeling?

(Seymour burps while eating the cake.)

Gerald

I think he's feeling pretty good.

(Seymour eats the cake but stops while dropping the fork and faints. Everyone faints and chocolate syrup falls off. The Jolly Olly Man, Oskar and Helga open their jaws.)

Gerald

You did it, Arnold, you did it!

Mr. Green

Not yet, Gerald. Technically, Arnold has to eat one bite of that cake to win.

(Arnold sees the cake.)

Grandpa Phil

Just one bite, Arnold, one bite.

(Everyone chants one bite.)

Arnold

Okay, here it goes.

(Arnold eats the ice cream cake with the cherry top and everyone cheers for him. Later, Arnold has his picture taken while holding Grandpa's trophy.)

Grandpa Phil

(laughs) You did it, Shortman! I knew you could do it!

(Arnold hiccups.)

Arnold, this calls for a celebration. (taking out a herring sandwich from his pocket) Look, I've saved half of this morning's herring sandwich.

Arnold

Grandpa, I never want to hear the word "Food" again.

Grandpa Phil

Oh. Well, there's more for me, then.