(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
HELGA: Why'd you have
to bunt, Arnold?
Wolfgang threw you
a cream puff,
you could
have knocked it
out of the park.
I reckon it was
the right play, Helga.
Iggy was on third.
He was
the go-ahead run.
Sometimes you have
to make a sacrifice
so the team can win.
Well, that's
a great theory,
football head,
except for one thing.
We lost!
But winning
isn't everything.
The important thing
is, we're a team.
And there's
nothing more important
than sticking together
as a team whether
you win or lose.
Right?
Yeah, right. Arnold.
See you in
the funny papers, loser.
See you, Arnold.
See you, Stinky.
Arnie, where've
you been?
Coach Wittenberg?
I've been looking
all over the neighborhood
for you, repetitively.
I was playing baseball.
Did you win?
I went for
the sacrifice bunt,
but we lost.
Oh, how many times
have I told you, repetitively,
sacrifice plays
are for losers.
The important thing
is to win.
Win. Winning
is everything, Arnie.
Right, coach.
Listen, Arnie, I need to talk
to you about something,
conversationally speaking.
Tish and I
are getting remarried
again for a second time
this Saturday.
That's great, Coach.
And I want you
to be my best man.
Me?
That's right, Arnie.
But, why me?
Well, a guy's best man
is supposed to be
his best friend, right?
When I made a list
of all my friends,
I came to one conclusion.
What's that?
I don't have any.
Except you, Arnie.
You were the captain
of my bowling team.
You taught me
all that psycho-chology jazz.
You believed in me
when nobody else did.
You're my only real
true friend, Arnie.
And I want you
to be my best man.
What do you say?
Okay, coach.
Great!
What do I have to do?
Ah, just a few
simple things.
I want you to
invite your friends,
we're gonna need
a couple of ushers,
there's a ringbearer
and you gotta help me pick out
some monkey suits.
Maybe I should
write this down.
Good thinking, Arnie.
So, anyway,
Helga,
since you held
the captainship
of my bowling team,
and since, well,
my cousin Connie
is out of town,
I want you to be
the maid of honor
at my wedding, Saturday.
Gee, Tish, would I get
to wear a fancy-looking dress
with bows and lace
and frilly little doodads?
Well, yeah.
You know, I think
I'm busy Saturday.
Yeah, well,
that's too bad,
'cause you know,
your little friend Arnold
is gonna be
the coach's best man.
Arnold?
I thought it would
have been cute
to watch you two
walk down
the aisle together.
(CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you, Helga,
take Arnold
as your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do. I do.
I do. Oh, I do!
You do what?
Why are you screaming,
"I do, I do"?
Um, because, I do agree
to be your maid of honor.
(LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY)
We look like undertakers.
Shucks. I like it.
I reckon I'm gonna
keep it over
a couple extra days
and wear it
to school on Monday.
Stinky, you're
a weird kid.
I know,
but I look snazzy.
I look like a moron.
You just need to make
a few little altercations
and you'll look
like an angel.
Altercations, huh?
You know, it's funny,
you remind me of me
when I was your age.
Clumsy, awkward,
big feet,
always scowling...
What's your point?
I was about your age
when I first met Jack,
and I always
had a thing for him.
I mean, right
off the bat.
But I was too shy
to tell him.
So, instead, I made
fun of him, you know,
called him names.
You know, so nobody
would get wise
I really liked him.
I used to always
challenge him
at games and sports.
Jack hates to lose.
But one time
we were playing whack-a-mole
down at the boardwalk,
and he let me win.
Now, he didn't know
I knew that he let me win,
and I didn't
say nothing.
That's when I knew
that he liked me
like I liked him.
And ever since then,
we've been like this.
And now we're
getting remarried again,
repetitively for
the second time.
You know,
when I think about him,
I start feeling
all goofy inside.
Some day when
you get married, Helga,
you're gonna feel
all goofy inside
about some guy.
What, are you kidding?
Not me, sister.
I'm never feeling
goofy inside
about any guy.
I hate that mushy stuff.
And I'm never
getting married.
(CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING)
I do. I do!
I do! I do! I do!
Do what?
Why are you
screaming,
"I do, I do"?
Because I do really
love this dress.
(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)
That's the one.
The one in the middle
with the real big diamond.
It's $6000.
I meant the one next to it
with the real
small cubic
zirconium.
That's $450.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
This is the one!
That's 25 cents,
coach.
Perfect!
Tish will love it.
You know, Arnie,
Tish means
a lot to me.
There are two things of
utmost impotence to me.
Tish and winning!
ARNOLD: But Tish is
the most important, right?
No, Arnie.
Winning is most important.
Come on, you know that.
But Tish is a close second,
and then air hockey.
I mean, air hockey is third,
or maybe second.
No, Tish is second...
Well, it's close.
Winning, air hockey
and Tish.
They're all
in the top three.
Well, Arnie, tonight
is the rehearsal dinner
and then tomorrow
is the big day.
Great practice
rehearsal, Arnie.
Our defense
was defensive,
our offense
was offensive,
and our man-to-man
usher coverage
was in the zone.
Everything went great.
Nothing can go wrong now,
negative-wise, you know.
Are you gonna
eat all that, Jack?
Yeah. I'm gonna eat it.
That's why
I put it on my plate.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You can't eat all that.
Of course, I can.
And what's more?
I bet you
I can clean my plate
faster than you
can clean yours.
TISH: You're on.
You're on!
(CHOMPING)
Score! I beat you, Jack.
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's
just the first round, Tish.
First one through
a plate of chicken wings
wins the game.
You're on.
You're on!
Coach, I don't think
it's a good idea
to get into a competition
with your wife right now.
I can take her.
But, Coach...
She's going down!
Two full orders
of chicken wings!
(CHOMPING)
(SMACKS LIPS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
I want do-overs.
I beat you
fair and square, Jack,
in five out of nine events.
Why can't you
just admit it?
I'm number one.
Never!
I'll never
admit that, Tish.
I challenge you
to one game of air hockey
for the whole enchilada.
Tomorrow morning
at the arcade.
Whosoever wins
is the all-time champion
and number one.
TISH: All right, Jack.
Whosoever
wins tomorrow
is the best.
And no do-overs.
Deal!
But, Coach,
what about
the wedding?
It's tomorrow,
remember?
It was
tomorrow, Arnie.
That's right.
As of this
present time and moment,
the wedding is off,
temporarily and forever.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
I'll make you eat
those said words
tomorrow, Tish.
In your dreams.
(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
I just don't
get it, Coach.
What's so important
about winning?
I told you before, Arnie.
Winning is everything.
There's nothing
more important
than winning.
What about Tish?
Tish is important.
Winning and Tish,
Tish and winning...
They're one and two,
Arnie, it's real close.
But which one
is more important?
It's close.
It's real close.
Back off!
What if you
had to pick one?
I pick Tish, okay?
Tish! Tish! Tish! Okay?
Well, that's all over, Arnie.
The wedding is off.
Maybe not.
If you want
to win Tish back,
I think I know a way.
How?
Lose the air hockey match.
What?
Come on, Arnie,
air hockey
is the one game
I'm incomprehensibly
confident I can beat her at.
You have to
throw the game.
Take a dive
and let Tish win.
Show her you care
more about her
than about winning.
But, I love winning.
What do you love more?
Winning or your wife?
(SHIVERING)
(TISH AND JACK GRUNTING)
One-zip, Jack.
One-all, Tish.
(DINGING)
Ten-ten, Tish.
Next goal wins
the whole thing.
And proves once and for all,
for the last and final time
who is number one.
(CLICKING)
ARNOLD:
What do you love more?
Winning or your wife?
Yes! Haha.
I won, Jack.
Why can't you
just admit it?
I'm number one.
You're right, Tish.
You're number one.
What did you say, Jack?
I said, you're right, Tish.
You beat me.
You're the best.
You're number one.
Jack, that's the first time
you ever said that to me.
Yeah, well, well...
Aww, Jack.
(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS)
Do you take Coach Wittenberg
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do, repetitively.
And you, Coach Wittenberg,
take Tish to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
I do, also,
repetitively.
I now pronounce you,
"still husband and wife."
(ALL CHEERING)
Race you to the car?
(SURREAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMING ADORINGLY)
Helga,
are you all right?
I do! I do! I do!
Oh, I do
not want you
to touch me ever again,
football head.
Uh, okay.
Oh!
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Arnie,
you were a great best man,
cataclysmically.
Thanks, Coach.
Jack, I gotta
ask you something.
Ask away,
my fair Tish.
Did you let me win
the match this morning?
What are you
talking about?
I don't know, Jack.
I get the feeling you didn't
give me your best game.
Come on. You won, Tish!
You were the best.
Number one!
I want a rematch,
right now.
Now? What about
the honeymoon?
That's it, I'm driving
to the arcade, and I
want your best game, Jack.
Okay, okay.
You asked for it, Tish.
You're on.
You're on!
(TIRES SCREECH)