OSKAR: Suzie,
make me a sandwich.
In a minute Oskar.
I'm ironing your pants.
Why can't you do both
at the same time?
(SIGHS) Oskar!
What?
You know how much
I have to do.
Why can't you just
help out a little bit?
You know my cousin Nancy
is going to be here
any minute with her baby.
I just want a sandwich.
When Nancy gets here
with the baby
I want to know
that I can count
on your help.
It will be a lot of work
having a baby in the
house, you know.
Come on, Suzie,
make me a sandwich.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Here we are.
Oh, look at you
preci-ums.
You're such a big boy,
aren't you?
(GURGLES)
And listen, I've got
everything you'll need
while we're gone.
Two days supply of diapers.
NANCY: Pacifiers,
baby wipes,
baby powder, bottles,
and Oskar's favorite rattle.
Suzie, where is my sandwich?
You know, we named baby Oskar
before we even
knew your Oskar.
Well, I'll see you
in two days.
Ha, thanks so much, Suzie.
You're a lifesaver.
It will be fun having
a baby around
the boarding house.
Yeah, sure, as long
as it stays out of my way.
(LAUGHING)
Oskar.
SUZIE: Oskar.
OSKAR: What?
I was talking to the baby.
Oh. Suzie, I'm hungry.
Make me a sandwich.
I can't right now.
I have to give
the baby a bath.
What for?
It's not going any place.
Oh, Oskar.
What?
All I want is a sandwich.
As long as
the baby is here,
he's going to have
to come first.
But, Suzie,
what about me?
Argh!
(BABY OSKAR CRYING)
Oskar, please?
What?
I have to practice.
You're not the
only person
in this house.
All you ever think
about is yourself.
What's wrong with that?
(BABY OSKAR CRYING)
Oh, Suzie, it's crying again.
Well, then pick him up
and hold him for a minute.
Not going to pick it up.
It smells.
He probably needs
a new diaper.
Can you just...
Oh, come on, Suzie,
that's disgusting.
There is nothing
disgusting about it.
It's perfectly natural,
and stop calling him "it".
He's not an it, he's
a he and his
name is Oskar.
That's another thing.
It took my name,
and now every time
you say Oskar,
I think you're talking to me
but it's always
that little brat.
Get your own.
(OSKAR YAWNS, SNORING)
(SHIVERING)
(BABY OSKAR CRYING)
Oskar.
Suzie, where's my breakfast?
I'm sorry, Oskar.
I'll get it in a minute.
But I'm hungry now.
I know, but I'm feeding
the baby right now.
Well, why can't you
feed him later?
I'm your husband.
You're supposed
to take care of me.
Oskar, please.
You're a grown man,
and he's just a baby.
That's his problem.
Just stop being so ridiculous.
SUZIE: When're you going to grow up and be responsible?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
That's all I ever
hear from you.
What's wrong
with tomorrow?
It's a good day.
Oh, sure.
It's a good day for you.
Tomorrow is a grand day
for you
because tomorrow
is the day you'll
get a good job.
Tomorrow is the day
you'll pay the bills.
Tomorrow is the day
you'll grow up
and acting responsible,
but tomorrow never comes
for you does it, Oskar,
because it's always
so conveniently
a day away.
Right, it's always a day away,
just like that song
the little orphan girl sings.
What about today, Oskar?
And what about yesterday,
when I needed your help,
you just loafed around
the house.
When I was trying
to take care
of the cleaning,
and the bills,
and the baby,
all you could do was whine,
and moan, and ask me
to make you a sandwich.
That's right
and you never did.
Because I was busy!
You expect everyone else
to take care of you.
Oh, come on. I don't expect
everyone else
to take care of me.
Just you.
Oh, Oskar!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello.
(INAUDIBLE)
SUZIE: Oh, Mr. Budnik.
Hello. Right now?
Well, inventory, yes...
I understand but I have...
Time and a half.
Well, yes, Mr. Budnik,
I'll be there
in 20 minutes.
Oskar?
Are you talking
to me or that rugrat?
Now listen to me carefully,
I have to go to work
for a few hours.
I would have said no,
but we really
need the money.
So, you're going to have
to take care
of the baby until
I get home tonight.
Oh, come on, Suzie.
Why can't you take
it to work with you?
You know I can't take a baby
to the department store
with me.
Now it's only for a few hours.
He'll probably sleep
most of the time
any way.
Nancy's instructions
are on the table
and you can call me.
But, Suzie...
Oskar, just do
this for me, please.
(BARFS)
Suzie!
Hey, Mr. Kokoshka.
Oh, Arnold.
How's my little buddy?
The thing is I still have
some work to do
on my project
for the science fair...
But, Arnold,
I don't know anything
about babies.
OSKAR: And Suzie left me
all alone with it.
Please help me.
MAN: Hello, Oskar,
you old goat.
OSKAR: Ready
to play cards?
(CHUCKLES)
Mr. Kokoshka,
what're you doing?
It's my daily card game.
But, what about the baby?
Oh, don't worry.
It won't bother us.
OSKAR: Okay, who's ready
to lose some money?
That's 20 to you, Oskar.
Okay, I see your 20...
And I raise you 30 more.
But Oskar, you don't
have enough chips here.
Oh, no problem.
I bet the baby.
Mr. Kokoshka!
You can't bet the baby.
Can he?
Why can't I? It's got
to be worth something.
You can sell it
to an orphanage.
That's it. I've had it.
I can't play poker
with a baby crying
and fussing all the time.
Yeah, and it smells. P-U!
We'll see you
next week, Oskar.
Oh, come on, guys.
I can put the baby
in the hallway.
Just a few more hands.
Hmm.
A royal flush,
are you happy now?
We have to do it,
Mr. Kokoshka.
If we don't,
he's just going
to keep crying.
(BABY OSKAR BLOWS WIND)
(BABY OSKAR CRYING)
I would have helped
but I was still dizzy.
It was horrible,
wasn't it?
Look, it's almost 7:00.
I really have to go.
But Arnold, please.
How can you just abandon
a baby like this?
I have to go Mr. Kokoshka.
I can't miss the science fair,
and besides,
he's not my responsibility.
He's yours.
But Arnold, I can't
be alone with it.
I don't even know how
to take care of a baby.
Suzie should
be home any minute.
(GURGLES)
What're you looking at?
Why don't you say something?
You can't do anything.
You expect everyone
to take care of you.
What're you good for? Nothing.
OSKAR: What can you do?
Nothing.
Just cry, and whine and moan
and make a mess
for other people to clean up.
Oh, you think that's funny?
Maybe it's funny for you
but it's not funny for me
because I'm the one who has
to take care of you now.
Okay, you blow a bubble.
You think that's funny?
(LAUGHING)
Okay, so maybe
it's a little funny,
but I still don't like you.
Hey, let go.
You got a pretty
strong grip.
Well, you think that's
funny too, huh?
So, what do you think?
You like Cat Chow in the
fifth race?
Okay, we put $10
to win
on Cat Chow.
Hey, what's wrong?
Are you hungry again?
OSKAR: Hey, you don't
look so good.
(HICCUPS)
What's the matter?
Stop. Stop making
that noise.
You're scaring me.
(HICCUPS)
Where is everybody?
OSKAR: Taxi!
To Bingo...
Out of my way!
Ow!
To the hospital. Hurry!
(HONKING)
OSKAR: Oh, great!
Why does the pope have
to be in town today?
We'll be here forever.
(BABY OSKAR HICCUPS)
Hey, come back here!
Wait.
(HICCUPS)
(PANTING)
(BABY OSKAR HICCUPS)
This horrible
Czechoslovakian man...
My baby is sick.
(OSKAR SIGHS)
If only I took better
care of him.
If only I was more careful.
But I made him sick,
and it's all my fault.
I was responsible.
Please let him
be all right.
If you make him all right,
I promise from this day
I only go to the race track
two days a week.
Oh, and I'm sorry what
I said about the Pope.
You... (GRUNTS)
Mr. Kokoshka. Mr. Kokoshka!
Baby Oskar is okay?
A-okay.
He had a minor case
of the hiccups.
The hiccups?
(GURGLING)
Baby Oskar... (CHUCKLING)
Thanks so much, Suzie.
I hope he wasn't
too much trouble.
Not at all.
Oskar and I just
loved having him.
Didn't we?
Eh.
Can you say good-bye?
Say bye-bye.
Say bye-bye. Go on.
What is it baby?
What do you want?
Oh, my...
I think he likes you.
I think Oskar
likes the baby too.
Don't you?
Ah, he's okay.
Thanks again for everything.
Oh, Oskar.
What?
I love you.
If you love me
then make
me a sandwich.
Oh, Oskar.
(MUSIC PLAYING)