All right, people,
I'm only going to say
this once,
so listen up.
Rhonda, I want you
on second base,
Harold, you're gonna
play catcher.
Aw, I hate that
stupid catcher's uniform.
It makes me all sweaty.
Harold, how many times
do I have to tell you.
It's better to look good
than to feel good.
Yeah, lard boy,
so shut up and quit
complaining.
All right, where was I?
Phoebe, you play
left field.
Stinko, take
the hot corner.
Hot corner?
What in the heck
is that?
What Helga is referring to
is the third base position,
the hot corner is simply
a slang term which attempts
to elucidate
the high volume
of ba*ls hit
in the general direction...
Yeah, what she said,
anyway, Geraldo,
you're on first.
And Sid,
you take right field.
Right field, boy, howdy,
that's the worst position
on the whole field.
I'm completely insulted.
Stop overreacting, Sid
and cool out.
Lila, you're center field.
I'm ever so certain
that I just adore
center field, Helga.
In fact, it's my
all-time favorite position.
Uh-huh, okay,
that just leaves Arnold.
Looks like you're shortstop,
short man.
Hey, where is
the football head?
I told him practice
was at 4:00 sharp.
ARNOLD: Hey, guys.
HELGA: Nice of you to show up,
hair boy.
Now get your scrawny butt
to shortstop, pronto.
Actually, Helga, I just
came to say I can't play
baseball after all.
I forgot that I'm
supposed to visit
Arnie this weekend.
Arnie? You mean
your, oh, so interesting
and likable
country cousin that looks
almost exactly like you,
only much more attractive?
That's one twisted
version of the story.
No kidding, I mean,
no offense, buddy,
but have you forgotten
how weird things get
whenever Arnie's around?
It's like a nightmare.
Oh, come on, Gerald.
He's not that bad.
Not that bad?
Arnold, the boy
collects lint.
And he's always
counting food
instead of eating it.
And he talks about gum.
And let's not forget
that phlegmy snort.
(SNORTS)
Face the music, Arnold,
your cousin's just
dull as dirt.
I'm afraid I have
to concur.
Okay, so maybe
my cousin isn't perfect.
And maybe our
last visit wasn't great.
That doesn't mean
things won't be better
this time.
Anyway, good luck
with the game, I'll see you
guys in a few days.
I think you're the one
who's gonna need the luck,
my friend.
Oh, Arnold, my most
lovesome beloved,
whatever will I do
without seeing your
yummy oblong face
for two whole days?
(SIGHS)
All right, batter up.
(WHIRRING)
(BIRD WAILING)
(RUSTLING)
Hi, Arnie.
Hey.
So, what have you been
up to lately?
Waiting for you.
(SNORTS)
Sorry, my bus
was a little late.
Twenty three minutes,
I counted.
Anyway, I brought you
some of these little
packets of peanuts
from the bus station
vending machine.
I know how much
you like to read
the ingredients.
Peanuts, cottonseed oil.
Salt. (SNORTS)
Let's go.
That's my mailbox.
And that's my lucky
pile of dirt.
And this, this is Abigail.
(BOTH SNORT)
So, I take it
this must be your house?
Yeah, come on.
I'll show you
my lint ball collection.
Great.
GIRL: Hi.
Hi.
I suppose you must be
Arnie's oh,
so interesting, likable
and attractive city cousin
that I've heard
oh, so much about.
Yeah, I mean, yes.
I'm Arnold.
I'm Lulu.
She's my girlfriend.
(SNORTS)
I'm gonna show Arnold
my lint.
I'm oh, too certain
that a city boy like Arnold
would much rather go
about on a jaunt
about town
than look at your
ever so boring lint ba*ls.
Am I right, Arnold?
I guess.
Great, let's go.
(SNORTS)
So, this is our all-time
favorite swimming hole.
All the kids gather here,
in fact I'm, oh, so sure
I see our friends
Stumpy and Fifi.
Gosh, Fifi. I certainly
do revere your new maillot.
Mayo? What the heck's
that means, Stumpy?
It's French
for bathing suit.
Oh.
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(SPLASHES)
Lulu, are you okay?
I'm oh, so certain
that I'm just fine,
but I'd be
a lot better if you'd agree
to meet me later,
for an ever
so private swim.
Excuse me?
Perhaps around
8:30, when
Arnie's asleep.
But you're Arnie's
girlfriend.
(SNORTS)
LULU: And this is our
oh, so quaint
country store.
And look, there's Gerard
and Kid.
Two more of our
ever so colorful
classmates.
11 cents? Boy, howdy,
that's completely outrageous,
it's unacceptable.
Quit overreacting,
Gerard, and cool out.
One, two, three.
Now, Arnold, be a dear
and get me some of that
oh, so delicious-looking
apple butter,
will you?
Sure.
Lulu, what are you doing?
I'm oh, so certain
that I'm tickling
your tummy, Arnold.
Well, don't.
But I can't help it, Arnold,
I like you like you.
But, what about Arnie?
Thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen. (SNORTS)
LULU: Well, here it is,
Arnold, our ever so charming
country movie theater.
Rhoda, you dribbled
on your shirt, again.
So?
So? You look like
a giant slob.
It's embarrassing.
How many times do
I have to tell you,
Harry, I don't care
what I look like.
I'm gonna go
get some gum. (SNORTS)
Plain-flavored gum.
Arnold, would you like
something ever so sweet
as well?
Uh, sure.
Lulu, what are you doing?
I'm certain that
I'm trying to kiss you.
Kiss me? But you're
Arnie's girlfriend
and we're nine.
Oh, Arnold, I'm sure that
you're just oh, too square.
That's it, I gotta go
get some air.
Oh, most luminous orb
in the indigo sky,
looketh you upon
my ideal guy?
Oh, all-knowing
lunar sphere,
taunting from above.
Wilst thou never guide me
to my one true love?
BOTH: Oof!
Hi.
Hello.
Do I know you?
I don't think so.
I'm Arnold.
Hilda, nice to meet you.
Sorry I knocked you over.
Ah, it's not your fault,
I was the one sitting
on the ground, after all.
Yeah, what were you
doing exactly?
Oh, you know,
just reciting some poetry.
I was gonna see
a movie, but then I noticed
the moon here
and decided that I'd
rather watch it instead.
It's just so inspiring,
don't you think?
Yeah.
Judging by how fast
you were running away from
the theater,
I'd say I made
the right choice.
Actually, it wasn't
the movie I was running
away from.
It's my cousin's girlfriend.
She's completely crazy,
she just tried to kiss me.
(ARNIE SNORTS)
Did you get your air?
Hey, Arnie, I mean, yes,
I did get my air
and well, then I met
Hilda here,
and we've been talking
and I just figured you
and Lulu might want
some time alone, so...
I didn't hurry back.
But now he's ready
to go back inside
and I'm gonna go with him.
What about the moon?
Oh, forget about it.
I suddenly have
a whole new inspiration.
(SNORTS)
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
(SNORTS)
Cut it out.
(GIGGLES)
So, Hilda, would you
like an ice cream nugget?
Hmm.
Oh, I mean,
sure, Arnold.
You, uh,
want another one?
Actually, Arnold,
I think it's a little
too cold for ice cream.
In fact, I think,
I'm gonna move
over there.
You know, where
the air conditioning
can't blow on me.
So, whatever
should we do next?
Actually, I was thinking
I'd head back to Arnie's
and turn in early.
Hilda, do you want me
to walk you home?
Home? But it's still
early, Arnold.
The night is young.
(SNORTS)
Let's go on
a hayride.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Oh, please.
(SNORTS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, look, a daisy.
Here, Hilda.
Thanks, Arnold,
it's beautiful.
Only I'm kind
of allergic to flowers.
Why don't you take it,
Arnie, it'll match your hair.
Thanks.
(YAWNS)
Stop it, Lulu, I know
you did that on purpose.
(SNORING)
Hey, you got a little straw
on your hair, let me
get it for you.
Uh, don't be silly, Arnold,
you'll wake up Lulu.
I'll just have Arnie here
take care of it for me.
Okay.
HILDA: Well, thanks, Arnold,
I had a really great time.
Actually, I don't think
I ever had so much fun
with a guy before.
I'm so glad you said
that, Hilda,
I mean, after
the air conditioning
being too cold.
And well, you being
allergic to the flower
I gave you.
And the whole Lulu
falling asleep
on me thing.
I wasn't sure
how things were going.
But now that
I know how you feel,
I might as well
just come out with it.
I've never met
anyone like you, Hilda,
and I really like you
a lot.
Uh, actually, Arnold.
The guy I was talking about
was Arnie.
Arnie?
Well, yeah.
He's interesting and likable
and attractive.
I couldn't help
but go all goofy
for him.
(CROPS RUSTLING)
(SNORTS)
(YELPS)
I realize why
you came here, Arnold.
It's so you could steal
my girl,
and now, now,
you're gonna pay for it.
(ALL SHRIEKING)
ALL: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight.
BOTH: Fight, fight, fight.
(GASPS)
ALL: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight.
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
I wonder
what day it is?
Okay people, listen up,
we're short
a shortstop today, so...
ARNOLD: Helga?
HELGA: Arnold?
I mean, what are you
doing here, football head?
I thought you were
supposed to be visiting
your lame-o cousin Arnie.
Wow, Helga,
it really is you.
(SIGHS)
Well, d'oy,
of course, it's me, hair boy.
Whomever did you think
she was, Arnold?
Lila, do you like me,
like me? Or do you just
like me?
Well, I'm certain
that I just like you,
Arnold.
Right, I mean,
that's good to hear.
Arnold, I can't help
but notice you're acting
a little eccentric.
Ex-centric?
What in the heck's
that mean?
It means weird,
and that's a major
understatement.
I mean, the boy
is wearing pajamas,
for heaven's sake.
And look, they have
little bears on 'em.
(LAUGHING)
SID: Boy, howdy,
talk about embarrassing.
Uh, Arnold, what's going on?
What's wrong with you, buddy?
Nothing's wrong,
Gerald, everything's great.
And I'm really, really
glad to be home.
(SIGHS)
HAROLD: All right.
(LAUGHING)